Twinies!!!

Priorities

It occurred to me last week at some point that it had been awhile since I last posted. Being that I am busy, I decided to put it in the back of my brain and move on. Well I had a little free time tonight and thought I may share some thoughts.

I have been overwhelmed lately with a particular class in school. Geometry, Statistics, and Data Analysis. You are probably thinking, "jeeze I did that in middle school" and you would be right for the most part. unfortunately the thought of, "if you don't use it, you lose it" is true. I had forgotten almost completely everything I had learned up to that point. Added with the fact that the scope of this class rivals any three at a normal university, it made this class very difficult. Studying for the final these last few weeks has quickly become my biggest priority. I have put off many things in my regiment that keep me healthy. You see I am a year away from graduating and if everything doesn't work out how it is planned out I wont be student teaching next fall. I know if it doesn't happen it won't be the end of the earth as I know it. I am just so ready to be done with school and be in my own classroom.

The more I am spending in different classrooms I am starting to realize what I think I want to teach. I have always been an underdog/rise to the challenge type of guy. I figure there are two different types of people in the world, the people who get math, and everyone else. I fall into the second category, but me being the guy I am, I want to teach middle school math. Here's my thought process behind it, if I can understand something to the point of being able to explain it in terms that I understand it, there is a good chance that the non-math brained people are going to understand it too. The math brain people are going to get it no matter what because it is a mathematical concept.

I have spent some time in a teachers classroom where one of my students' is. He is the type of teacher that the kids love, respect, and want to be around. He is also the type of teacher that loves his job and is able to relate to the kids on a different level than just teaching math. The funny thing is, is we went to high school together and probably said 10 words to each other the entire time. Granted I was a dick in high school to most people that weren't part of my crew, but if you have been reading my blogs, you know that people can change. I look up to this guy for a few reasons; he loves his job, he relates to the kids to the point that they enjoy the class, he is deeply passionate about having the kids learn, and I believe although he would never admit it, he inspires them daily. Not to mention the more I get to know this guy, the more I am finding how down to earth and funny he is. This is the kind of teacher and thought process that drives me to get my schooling done and try to be a better educator each day.

I get frustrated sometimes because I know where I work and what I do is what is teaching me to be a better educator, not learning the cognitive brain development theory of Vygotsky or when the text book was invented. I understand though it is part of the process, my dad always used to say, "you have to play by someone else's rules to get where you want to be." Truth that keeps me working towards the finish line in my schooling, the finish line is in place, just gotta put my chin down and finish strong.

As always thank you for being a part of my journey, peace and blessings to all!

Z

Gratitude

First Sunday of the month, you know what that means....... ASC (Area Service Committee), yup I said service...... If you aren't involved in service and you are in recovery, SHAME ON YOU!

Today was one of those days that reflecting upon it tonight for which I am eternally grateful. I am grateful for the craziness this morning at Public Relations subcommittee,  struggling with my own control issues, lets me know I am not cured. Grateful that I had the ability to work through my own shit and not take it out on anyone else. Grateful that I am able to be of service to Narcotics Anonymous. 4 years ago today I went to my first area, I was nominated to represent my home group at only 45 days clean. Not because I was so awesome or overly qualified, but because I was WILLING to do it. I walked in to this room with about 45 people that were being loud, obnoxious, and a little crazy. "This is area," I thought to myself. I had heard tales of people screaming, calling names, and even throwing chairs at others (I pictured Roadhouse the movie)

Well I have yet to see anything thrown at anyone else or any names being called out of spite, or screaming at the top of their lungs. Maybe some raised voices but it does get pretty loud in their so you have to speak up. The thing of it is, we are all very passionate about many things, but one thing in particular....SERVICE WORK. After my head stopped spinning I settled down and was able to take it all in and try my best to figure it out. 4 years later I am still trying to figure it out. :) I made a decision that I wanted to be Area's Chairperson some day long down the road and many years later. I have been in service ever since and honestly can't see myself doing it any other way.

I have had many positions in service in the time I have been clean and served many different bodies. (not those kinds of bodies)  bodies as in committees. Well today I was nominated for Chair of course me being me I started to have all these doubts in my mind about not being ready or not being able to fulfill the job's duties. Than my Ride or Die brother in recovery Brandon told me that I wouldn't have been nominated if I wasn't ready. I have said this before, things happen exactly as they should and the man upstairs only puts people and situations in your life when he believes you can handle them. Well I guess my I am ready or at least that is what I have been told. I have some GIANT shoes to fill with the last 3 chairs having all had 9+ years of recovery and a ton of knowledge. If I am elected I am going to do my best to be the best Chair I can be.

One of the many things I have been able to accomplish in the last 4 years I am grateful for. With all of the success and failures I have had since getting clean, not once did I think going back out was a good decision. I owe all my success and growth to the people I have met over the past few years and the program of Narcotics Anonymous. As always, thank you for reading my blog. I hope you enjoyed the sweet picture I added for a little bit of awesomeness. The picture is from when he was fighting that dude by the water and ripped his throat out. EPIC SHIT.....hahaha

Love, peace, and blessings family

It is what it is

I thought I would share some new thoughts on the 'F' word I have been marinating on for a bit. The 'F' word being Feelings. We all have them, we all feel them, we even try to hide them. If we are lucky enough, we have someone to walk through them with us. I think it is important to have someone that will be there for you through good times and bad, through break ups and make ups, through heartache and love. Without a few people I would have been lost this summer, I had my brother and my father who were telling me the same shit my bud was, just needed to hear it 18 different ways I suppose. These are those Ride or Die type cats that are not related to you but would do anything for you! Brandon Waldbauer and Cory Heater, and Jason Sotelo are those dudes in my life that tell me how it is, not how it should be, or not how it is supposed to be, but exactly how it is. We are able to separate what reality is and what my addict brain is cookin up.

For the first time in quite a number of months things are fitting right where they should. I didn't win the lottery, I have not graduated yet, I didn't get a raise. I have spent the better part of 3 months re-investing in myself and I am happy and I am in shape, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned a great deal since I got clean through my relationships with others. I believe that you never stop loving someone one once you have fallen in love, I think you just love them less, their place in your heart shrinks to allow room for others. I have learned that feelings are important to talk about regardless of how small and minuscule you think they are.

Some people think talking about these feelings make you weak. Telling your significant other or a best friend that "hey, I am having a insecure moment and I need help." takes a whole lot of courage. I think it is the opposite of weak to admit you are having an issue and are vulnerable. This is just my opinion though. It takes a lot to reach out and ask for help, some have great trouble with this in the program and it is the biggest downfall in recovery. Not asking for help because you don't feel worthy enough for it. Bullshiiiiiiiit, everyone on this planet is worthy of love, compassion, and the occasional kick in the ass! :)


I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives to teach us a lesson. Some lessons are easy to spot, some take some time and long after that relationship ends you are able to see it. I believe that things happen for a reason and exactly how and when they should. The man upstairs puts situations and people in our lives when he feels we are ready to have them. I have learned that just because you are in love with someone, doesn't mean that you are supposed to be together or it is a good fit. People are different and that is ok, find someone that makes you happy and that you want to make happy. If that person is yourself, more power to you!

As always thank you for reading and following my blog. Words cannot express how grateful I am that you people "he said you people!!!" are supporting me.

Z

The recovery process : Oil and Water

Last night I was at a meeting and we were talking about different topics. One that stuck out to me was the choice to go back out and get loaded as if it were a difficult decision. Many of lives decisions are difficult to make, we need to be educated to make the correct ones. This one however, is not!!! The recovery process is not a difficult thing to understand. There are a few suggestions from our predecessors that we are to follow if we want to be successful: go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps into your life, get involved in service work. That is all, recovery has 100% success rate to those that work the program like that. Of course there are different circumstances and situations that limit people from doing certain things in this, but for the most part if you work the program this way it works.

There have been times in my recovery that I have gotten done sharing in a meeting and thought to myself "man that was a good share" or thought someone else's' was on point. Last night during someone speaking this feeling came over me, I thought I would share it with you people.....(he said you people) (what did he mean by you people???) :) Anywhooooo, I figured out the difficulties that people have with the program and following the previously mentioned suggestions. You may want to sit down for this one, I will wait.................................................. We as humans/addicts tend to make EVERYTHING in our life more difficult than they need to be. We take a simple task like brushing our teeth and turning it into a complete bathroom organization process. The task isn't complete until we have done everything else in addition to that task. You have all heard the saying "make a mountain out of a molehill" well that is an addict to a T.

We focus on one thing and try our hardest to keep it simple, this never happens though. We tend to take longer than need be on things that shouldn't take anytime at all, this is because we love to procrastinate or distract ourselves. We distract ourselves from ourselves, working on ourselves, or growing for ourselves. Recovery is a process and that process is a life long adventure, we like things our way and our way is NOW, not in a week, month, or a year.

Anything worth having is worth working for and towards. That is a painful but accurate statement. Once we have achieved our goal and put in the work, we appreciate what we have accomplished 10 times more. My schooling is a perfect example of this, I know that my job for the past 3 years and my student teaching are what will mold me into a new teacher. Experience and dedication will help me become a great one. Not sitting through some boring lesson on Vygotsky's cognitive development theory or the invention of the text book. I understand it is what needs to be done though so I am doing it. Once I am in my own classroom, I will take a deep breath and understand what all the hard work was for.

Back to the recovery thing, we make things too difficult. Some more than others and some waaaaay more than others. Recovery is easy, the process takes work but it is worth it. It is not as if we are sitting in the meetings trying to split an atom with tweezers and a plastic fork. Follow the suggestions, put the work in, and you will be amazed how much growth you will obtain. Goes for anything and anyone on this planet really.

We are the oil and recovery is the water, it is clear what needs to be done but some just want to make poor decisions and float on the top as opposed to getting involved and working on themselves.

The Path

A relationship with yourself will trump any other kind of relationship you can have. I can't speak as a parent, because I do not have children. I am sure the one you share with your kiddo is an amazing one. Maybe if its in the cards and my Higher Powers' will I will be able to speak on it some day. Now all I can do is speak to what I know. The past few months it has been a journey, a journey to get back to me. Now to those who have been following my blog you have read all about it. If you haven't that is ok too. The people that are supposed to follow and read have been. If this is your first read, welcome to my world. :)

The journey over the last two months has been a great one for me. Not all of it have been unicorns pooping rainbows. I have made some mistakes and hurt some people along the way. I mess up like most people and for that I am truly sorry. I have, however learned from it though. There have been some tough times and some painful lessons learned, all have been timely and necessary though. I have talked about many things that I have learned over the past 4 years and the growth that has been achieved.

Learning about and developing a relationship with yourself is an ongoing process that I am not sure I will ever complete. Its a daily process, seeing how you respond or react to situations that you come across. This is an interesting reflection at the end of the day, like the saying "hindsight is 20/20". I understand I have a LONG way to go to achieving oneness and being balanced. I am stretched thin between, work, school, training, recovery, and being there for my friends and family. I am working on it. Progress not perfection is what I have learned in the program.

Most of my posts are late at night, I think it is my reflection time as is for most people. Looking back on the days events and the lessons we have learned or not learned. Many times I am ok with my days work, others I am saying to myself, "well today didn't pan out the way I thought it would". That's ok though, I believe that things happen as they should. I believe that it is not our job to know why things worked out that way but it is our job to learn from them. Life is full of opportunities to learn and grow it is our decision whether we take advantage of these situations.

For the first time in a long time I am ok being alone, I am ok with working on myself for myself. I have some amazing friends, some new and some old, my support system is unrivaled (my humble and completely biased opinion of course) I am on a path and I know that my Higher Power will put in my life only what I am ready for. I know he will put the people in my life that I can handle. I have faith in him and what he provides, he has allowed me to achieve much and learn even more over the 4+ years of my recovery. I am enjoying learning about life and myself.

As always friends, it is an honor to be able to share my thoughts, lessons learned, and my overall love of writing with you. I hope you have been touched or learned something from any of my entries on this blog. If not, that is ok to people are going to get out of reading this EXACTLY what they are supposed to.

I hope your week ahead is successful beyond your expectations and you touch/inspire someone along the way.


Thanks for reading

Z

A bit of my strory

My name is Zach and I am an addict in long term recovery. What does that mean, well stay with me and I will do my best to tell ya. Recovery is an ongoing process that involves me being objective towards myself and others. I have to work on myself everyday to make myself better than I was the day before. Some days are easier than others and some days are more productive than others. That is life though give and take, good with that bad.

4 years ago I was fresh out of treatment with a mountain of debt, a car that didn't work, a license that was suspended, and insurance that hadn't been paid in years. I definitely had a long uphill battle to becoming a productive member of society. I didn't think I would ever get to that place, I didn't know what adversity and challenges awaited me either. It took a lot of fighting myself and what my father suggested that I do to get things organized and laid out. I didn't want to do it because I didn't want to see what all I had to do. Just like you don't know how far off the ground you are until you look down....... Well I did and I was amazed at the wreckage I had caused, I think I was even more amazed at what my expectations were.

I got a few jobs thanks to some close friends and started to stack my chips (that's Ebonics for collect my funds) I tracked everything I made and everything I spent. This took time, time I didn't think I had or patience I knew I didn't have. I developed the patience to understand that this wasn't going to be fixed in a day or a week. I continued to work my ace off and finally had enough money to start negotiating with these creditors. I was amazed at the negotiating power I actually had because I had money and was able to pay them right then. The process of connecting the dots, contacting them, and making checks out to them felt dirty to me. I had no one to blame but myself though. I finally got all my debt paid and then I had to get proof of payment to get it to the 3 credit agencies, that was a pain as well, but a means to an end. The finish line was in sight.

I had to put myself on a strict budget and have been able to stay on it for the entire time I have been clean, it hasn't been easy because if you know me, 'your boy likes to shop' but it has to be done, my life demands structure and routine. If I don't have it, I leave a path of destruction in my wake. I do it from time to time when I put my will in front of my HP's will. I am a control freak and lack patience sometimes and it ALWAYS bites me in the ass.

I lost both of my grandmas in 2010 with less than a year clean. I was thrown off a bit, but knew that there was no amount of tears or drugs that were going to bring them back. It was my first time in my new life that I had to deal with loss. It was the first test of my foundation. Also the first time that I can remember that I was completely out of control of that situation. My HP works in mysterious ways, truth be told both of these lovely woman (Shirley and Miriam) lived long and great lives. It was their time to leave this earth in the physical sense and I am grateful for the time I got to spend with them. They both died knowing that their grandson was clean and I will not tarnish or disrespect their last memory of me by getting loaded ever again.

I try to right in every situation but I fail miserably sometimes, last weekend was a prime example of me not thinking things through. Difference between reacting and responding, also a difference in being an asshole and doing the right thing. Unfortunately I didn't choose the ladder. I learn from my mistakes and pray I do not repeat them.

For the last month I have focused on one thing and one thing alone, me. Getting back to my healthy place and it has been an amazing journey. I haven't always done the right thing but I know that everything I have done has happened for a reason. Things happen as they should and there is a lesson to be learned in it all. People come in and leave our lives at the right time too. It is not our job to question why, it is our job to try to understand how the man upstairs is trying to teach us something. Hopefully we are not too busy to listen or learn.

Steps.....

Most of my post are about how great things are in my life or what I have learned from my past 4 years of being in recovery.

I am currently working on step 6 of my 12 and it happens to be about defects of character. This one is by far the hardest one I have done yet, I was warned about it too. But in typical Zach fashion I was convinced, I got this. Well no, no I don't. This weekend was one of those that I am sitting here Sunday scratching my head wondering have I really grown much at all? I have learned in the program that they aren't old behaviors if they are still being repeated in your life.

This entire time I have been doing this step I have had in the back of my head 'you should be further along in your growth then you are'. Well I am right, I know people grow and learn at different paces but I know that I am still letting my defects of character run my life and it kind of blows. This weekend I had the rare ability to hurt people. Not a something I am proud of, but in the spirit of keeping myself accountable and honest....I'm putting it out there. I was dishonest,  my insecurities and defects had there way with me this weekend and I am not going to get flowers or a phone call tomorrow.  I "effed" up and I hurt two wonderful people, which makes me realize as I am sitting here reflecting on the weekend....maybe I am not as far along on myself as I should be.

I want to sit here and try to justify what happened and play the victim (cuz I am REALLY good at that) but truth be told, I was the one that fucked up. I am going to have to live with the blow back and repercussions of my actions. It sucks but I made this mess I have to deal with it. I wanted to share it with you guys because, although I like to sit on my soapbox and tell everyone all the good I am doing.......I still mess up, I still hurt people, and I still have A LOT of work to do on myself.

As always I appreciate you support and love.

It is time to get back to my step 6, g'night and happy Sunday!

Realization

Why as humans when we have options do we pick the ones that are the least healthy for us? Why do we refuse to listen to that little voice inside our head saying "don't do that or don't go down that path!!!"? I think it is human nature to do what we feel or know is wrong hoping that the outcome will be different than what know will happen. Maybe it is that eternal optimism that we have. It makes me wonder what would happen if the first time we heard that voice to run the opposite direction we actually did. Probably would save the us frustration and heart ache.

We all learn at different paces, sometimes I think that people are ok without learning at all. There is a take away from everything we do. Sometimes it is not apparent and we have to think about it for a bit. Lessons that are learned quickly and swiftly are usually not the important or meaningful ones. The painful and treacherous ones are the ones that we learn from and keep with us forever, or at least should.

I wrote about this last week at some point but wanted to touch on it again. At this point in my life I have more going on than I ever have and its not going to slow down anytime soon. Between my schooling, my job, coaching, training, and investing in my personal growth I have very little free time. I am ok with that, but if I am going to do something during those free moments I think it should enhance my life or at the very least, put a smile on my face. I have recently talked to some people from my past and my mind has been opened up to some great thought process and lessons to be learned.

No one likes to be criticized or felt like they are not good enough, so why do we put ourselves or stay in situations that do that. It all comes back to the misery loves company outlook. How silly is that, we stay in relationships/situations that are no good for us, do not allow us to grow, or are just plain toxic. Yet we remain in the game for as long as we can. Its kind of like breaking you leg in the first quarter of a football game and playing until the end because you wanted to see if it would get better.

I guess the "take away" from all of this is, if someone or something doesn't contribute to your happiness or growth why keep it around? To see if it will get better? It wasn't a good fit from the beginning so why do we try to fool ourselves?

As always I appreciate the support and love! Peace and blessings to all!

Education

Do you know what you were put on this earth to do with your life?

About 3 1/2 years ago I figured it out while I was at a track meet. I was standing on the High Jump pit watching one of my jumpers that had never jumped before take a top 5 finish. He came up to me with a gloss in his eyes that words can not do justice. He said to me "thank you for all you have taught me", at that moment this warmth came over me and I knew. I was put on this earth to positively influence others. Teaching, coaching, sponsoring, or whatever other word you want to replace those with. I am now sitting about a year away from my student teaching part of my degree and it feels good.

I have had one of those weeks that to sum up in a word would be impossible but I will try, Inspirational, I have been around some amazing teachers while working at my new school this year and the previous two at my old one. I am seeing the passion they have for their job, and it is energizing and extremely motivating to me. I am so ready to have my own class, (I say this now) correct papers, and instruct the kiddos at the school I work at. Now, what I do now is still educating but on a different level. I have had the privilege of working with some amazing people in my short 3 year stent as an educator and have been very fortunate to have their knowledge and guidance along the way.

I am finally seeing brightness in my life after a dismal and dark period of time. Through this blog and getting back to investing in myself as opposed to others has made me feel content for the first time in quite some time. I recently had to do something that I didn't want to do but had to, I stepped down as a conditioning coach for our cross country team. (I am still going to be coaching High Jump!!!!) I needed to free up some time for my studies. Sometimes we need to sacrifice our wants to pursue our dreams. I know that I could have continued to be there each day and been just fine, but its time to buckle down and get this done. I have 25 credits to do this term and they are not going to be easy ones at all. Need vs. wants, this is something I need to do for myself and the my future. I am ok with that.

I am becoming ok with a lot of things in my life and it feels good, I am in a good place right now just being me. I am on a challenging but super rewarding path right that presents new hurdles daily. Bring it on, for the first time in a long time I am ready to face what is in front of me and excel. I have had a giant success this first year at WGU and am going to continue to do this for one reason.... It needs to be done to get to where I need to be!

A big thank you to  all the educators that I have come across in the past 3 years for giving me some insight. Thank you for giving me guidance, knowledge, and making 100% sure that I was put on this earth to become a fantastic and caring teacher!!!!

Z

Clarity

For a little over a month know I have been on a mission for clarity. Clarity about me, my journey, and my disease of addiction. This disease manifests itself in ways that can not be described in words to most people. I have learned a ton about myself and it has been a enlightening journey. I am coming to realize something that I need to stick to, if there is a person or situation that is not contributing to the health or well being of your life.....cut them out. I have spent too long being around people that don't contribute to anything, high maintenance, or just plain bat shit crazy. That is fine if they are, but I chooooooose not to have them around. People that think they are doing me a favor by hanging out. That mentality is almost comical to me now that I typed it out.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything - George Bernard Shaw.

Change and growth have been my theme this past month. I realized why I was unhappy and made decisions to put change in process. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you it has been all rainbows and cupcakes because it hasn't. That would be lying and I am trying to be extremely honest on here and my life in general. Spiritually, mentally, physically, I am at my best I have been in 10 years maybe ever. Emotionally it has been a battle, the battle is with my disease. That is ok though, what is happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening and I am ok with that. I hate to be alone and being in relationships have made me feel safe. Healthy or not it has been my M.O. for the past 4 years. This has not been a healthy or helpful one for me or my growth as a person. No one should ever define who you are or who you are trying to become. Like I mentioned previously, if there is someone in your life that is not helping with your overall wellbeing....cut them out. Easier said than done for me in the past, I like to not look at the writing on the walls or not listen to my support group. I like to see things as they aren't or play the "what if game" always a HUGE waste of time for me.

Unrealistic expectations is another one of those defects of character that keep popping up in my life (to my recovery friends that read this, its on my 6th step...progress not perfection), when you put expectations on anyone or anything, prepare yourself for a huge disappointment. I wish I could tell you that I no longer do that. Falsehood of the post, I do it still with almost everyone and everything around me. It sucks but I am learning that when I do it, I have already taken myself out of the game.

Working out has been a huge blessing this past month. I have been working my ass off and am starting to see and feel changes. I have dropped 15 pounds, not because I have been depressed and not eating, that would be stupid. I work hard each day to be better than I was yesterday. It is a choice, just like not using drugs or eating cupcakes at 11pm. Choices take commitment and follow through to stick to them. Recently my head boxing trainer asked if I wanted to fight in October when we clash against another team. I told him "hell yes" but only if he thought I was ready. In my mind I will never be ready, that is my disease telling me I am not good enough. He said that I was and he wanted to see me fight. This is a scary thought for me but I am always up for a challenge. More shall be revealed in the coming posts.

All in all life is good, I am realizing that right now at this point in my life that I am not interested in having people around me that drain my energy or passion for life. Something I have had in my brain for, well about 2 months. Just now being able to put it into words, part of the process I spose.

As always I am honored that you took time to read my blog and hope you will continue to do so. Love, peace, health, and blessings to all!

Z

Growing Pains

After talking to a very close friend last night, it was pointed out that there was a lot of pain behind my post. Well I can't disagree or dismiss what was said. I know it came from an honest and real place so I will take it as it is. Sometimes in life we are faced with a difficult situation that we don't want to accept or even deal with. This is life, it doesn't always work the way we want it to. It does however, always work out the way it should. Some things we need more understanding on, some things we step over and move forward.

As I have said before, I truly believe that things happen for a reason and exactly how they should. People come in and out of our lives when they should. I believe that things are to be looked at as learning experiences. Some, as mentioned in last nights post are more painful than others. Tis life...... I read this quote on the good ole' FB today thought it was pretty good,  so I thought I would share it with you guys.

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose." -Wayne Dyer
 
I like this quote a lot, seems to be pretty fitting to some lessons that have been learned lately. Some lessons that had been learned and then forgotten or brushed under the carpet so I wouldn't think about it. I think it is important to learn from mistakes or unhealthy behaviors. I have been told in my life that someone will suffer until they are ready to be done with it. I like to say the smart people learn from their mistakes and the lucky ones learn from others mistakes. I seem to be neither sometimes and it always seems to end me up in the same situation. I always tell myself, (and how many of you are with me) "next time will be different" HAHAHA

When we as human being see something we want, like, or even love we put blinders on and only focus on that one thing. It's as if that is the only thing that matters in the world. We forget what is important, we do not listen to our friends and family who are telling us things we don't want to hear,or showing us the writing on the walls. We tell ourselves that things aren't as they seem or manipulate our thought process to come out to benefit our hearts. Never a good way to go...........results may vary but usually don't.

In the process of healing I think it is of the upmost importance to take all of that effort lost/wasted and put it back into yourself. It is the only thing that will make sense to you, so do it and let nothing come in between you and your inner peace. One last quote and then it is off to celebrate the final I just passed!

"If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else" Marvin Gaye

As always guys, thank you for the support and taking time out of your life to read about mine! Love, Peace, and Blessings.

4 years clean

I thought in lieu of my recent anniversary I would put some things down that I have learned over the past 4 years. ***Warning*** there will be a lot of "I have learned" statements in this blog. This journey of mine has been one big learning experience for me and I want to put it down on paper (or the internet)

I have learned a lot about myself and the disease of addition in the past 4 years. There is no mistaking me for a normal person, I am an addict through and through. I have learned that it is best to respond to a situation than react to one. I have learned that reading into any situation is never a good thing to do, by the time you are done, there has been a nuclear war and you are 410 years old. Take things for what they are and do not read into them, if you have a question about something, ask.

I have learned that physical activity is just about the best way to clear my mind that I can think of. When I am running, boxing, or lifting I am able to be at peace, if only for a few minutes. It is usually the mind readjustment I need. When I run I can solve the worlds problems in my head. It is as if nothing else really matters in the world at that time and point. I have learned that when a girl says she doesn't know what she wants it means she does, and that you are not it. I have painfully learned that it is important to keep yourself first and at the top of your priority list. If you lose yourself in any relationship you are going to be lost with or without it.

If we do not invest in the things that we need to do daily to maintain ourselves,  we are done for. I have learned that some distractions are better and more healthy than others. Distractions keep our mind from functioning properly and sometimes that is ok. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in a thought process or an emotion that we do not see the writing on the wall or believe what is actually happening. I know that family and close friends only want one thing from you, your happiness. Listen to them when they tell you to do something that you don't agree with because they are seeing things from an outside prospective.

I have learned that walls built up too high are detrimental to you opening your heart. I know that I need to have some walls around mine, I love too easily and this repeated mistake has left me heartbroken more times then I would like to admit. That is ok today, I learn from my mistakes and do my best not to repeat them. Some lessons are harder and more painful to learn than others. I have learned that it is ok to hurt, it is ok to cry, and it is ok to ask for help. I have learned that putting expectations on other people is the worst thing you can do to yourself. All it causes are resentments and let downs. Knowing this I still do it though and expect a different result each time. Here is when my readers say to themselves, you are insane........I am I know it. I am working on it though.

I have learned that dating a single mother is tough! Their independence and being used to doing it all on their own is a very admirable trait! It is difficult to get past that walls and obstacles they have in place for their protection. I have learned that it is difficult to get attached to their kids and then not be able to see them anymore. They keep growing but you are not their to see it.

All these lessons I have learned have been good for me to learn, some have been painful, some have been fun, some I am still learning. I have learned that I need to remain teachable and keep an open mind about just about everything as long as it doesn't cross my boundary in recovery. I have learned that family and close friends are always going to be there for you if you are there for them. I would not be here today without my support group. I am thankful I have had the opportunity to learn the things I have over the past 4 years of being clean and excited to see what I will learn the next 4 years.

As always thank you for your continued support......

Brandon, 3 words __________ ________ ________!!!

Vulnerability

I was chatting with a close friend last night and started to think, are we too vulnerable or not vulnerable enough? Is that even a fair question to ask? This is a question I have thought about lately and I don't know that I could give you a straight answer. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve in relationships, it hasn't worked out too well for me. There are always exceptions to this though.

I think that we need to have a bit of a wall up in relationships at the beginning, whether it be with friends or partners. A wall to protect us from that hurt that all of us have experienced in the past. The more and deeper you have been hurt, I think the bigger and stronger the wall is. But if we have our walls so high and so strong is there ever going to be a chance to get through it? In relationships most of us are trying to put our best foot forward and looks as appealing to the other as possible. The honeymoon phase ends and our character defects come through, some are small some are HUGE. At that point we ask ourselves, can I still love or be with this person? Am I even ready to go further in this relationship? Are the issues really that big?

When we are in a relationship or in love we tend to look past a lot of things because we are blinded by love or the outlook of the future. If you are anything like me and my addict brain, I have already planned the marriage, the divorce, and the separation of goods after the first date. As I have learned time and time again this is not a good practice. Some lessons are harder to learn than others for sure. It is important to live in the here and now, to accept the fact that we can not predict the future (or at least I can't) so why try to plan it? Oooooh I like that last line, wish I could learn to live it. :) Things I have learned and not applied to myself....I could fill the entire blog with this list.

Recently I made a commitment to get back to myself and what keeps me healthy. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually all three need to be in balance for me to be in a good place. Doing this recently (for the past month) has really put things in perspective for me, also turned my mind to a happier and healthier place. Daily maintenance isn't the answer to the vulnerability question, but it does strengthen ourselves I think.

Not sure if I have adequately answered the question I mentioned up top but it has gotten clearer to me. There is a fine line in this situation, a good balance between being guarded and vulnerable. If you are comfortable with yourself and are healthy I think it is easier to be in a relationship and have a productive one. If not well it is best to work on yourself before you get into or back into one. If you cant be good to or for yourself, you cant be good to anyone else!

As always, thank you for reading and supporting me in this journey. Peace and blessings to you!

This Weekend/Family First

This weekend I have had the privilege to hang out with some family that I don't get to see much. They live on the other side of the mountains and life is busy. I thought it was going to be pretty boring hanging out all weekend not doing much but I was wrong. I have had such a great time with my family, we hung out, told stories, I got to show them around my town a bit, we laughed, we even went to an NA meeting together. This morning I woke up with a huge smile on my face, I had a thought.....I am going to make breakfast for them. If any of you know me personally you know I like to eat and am great at doing dishes, but a gourmet chef I am not. I didn't do too bad though, I made French toast some with cinnamon and some with vanilla, mixed fruit, turkey ham (I think that's what it was), and some eggs. It was a lot of fun and to see the reaction on my Leah's kiddos face when he saw the feast.....it made it all worth it. I am blessed to have a strong and loving family, they are who have picked me up time and time again when I fell down. I am honored to be able to share this with you today.

mmmmmmmm

 

We have had a great weekend, my cousin Leah's son is one of the cutest kids in the world.....he is full of energy, laughter, and an innocence only a child can have. He is a pretty cool kiddo too, we haven't been able to keep him out of the pool. We even had a pretty fierce 10 round boxing match, where I hate to admit.....I got beat, he is one tough kid!!!

4th Round KO

 

This weekend has made me realize a few things that are always going to be true, family is the most important support group you can ever have, family will love you unconditionally when you either don't love yourself or feel that you are not loveable, and family will always be your family no matter how bad things get. I wish my twin could have been here so we could have all experienced the awesomeness that we did. I am thankful for the life I have today and I am thankful for my family more than words can describe.

Taylor, Leah, Me (Zach)



 

I have had a good weekend and really enjoyed the time I got to have with them and looking forward to many more! As always thank you for reading the blog! Peace and blessings!

 





Powerlessness

POWERLESSNESS, well that word describes the day to a T. Sometimes we are reminded of how powerless we really are in this world. Whether it be your job, your life, your relationships, your computer....If you stop and think about it all, we are really powerless over just about everything in our lives except ourselves and our actions. I was reminded this today and I thank my Higher Power for this lesson in humility and powerlessness. We need these reminders to help us stay focused on what we are trying to accomplish.

In life we all have those days that are what I like to call 'Snowball Days' these are the days you wish you had a reset button for. Where one little thing starts the ball rolling and by 4 o'clock you want to punch someone or something really hard. :) I don't like to say I had a bad day, any day above ground is a good day, I like to say I had a challenging day. I also like to sit down at the end of those challenging days and reflect and process it so I can learn from it,  it is vital to my mental stability.

Life can be rough and it doesn't always go the way we plan, I think that it is important that we protect ourselves as best we can from these heartaches in life. Not to be guarded, well maybe a little, but not to the point that we close off the rest of the world and the people around us. I learned this recently and am thankful for the painful but VERY necessary lesson. When people are angry I have learned in my recovery that anger is almost always a secondary emotion. This feeling usually stems from an anger within ourselves about ourselves for some reason or decision. People tend to react to these types of situations as opposed to responding to them. Everyone processes their emotions differently I understand this, and that is ok. We must do what we can to be happy each and everyday, we must do our best to not take unnecessary risks with our health, mind, spirit, or heart. Like I was talking about being guarded earlier. Kids are a big way into the heart. Now I do not have kids but I have dated single moms. I tip my hat off to all the single mothers and fathers out there, I do not know how you do it. It is hard to come into that as an "outsider" kids have a way of getting into my heart very quickly. Maybe its because I am an overgrown child myself, that has responsibilities. It also is probably the reason I am a coach and an educator. Its hard getting attached to them and seeing them leave. I have to deal with this each year and season as they come to an end, also in relationships too. As always though it is a life lesson that needs to be learned.

Do what makes you happy and healthy! My pearl of wisdom for the day, if it is healthy and makes you happy.....my advice, DO IT! People are going to hate and run their mouth regardless of what you do, it's a part of life unfortunately. Some because they are jealous of you and your situation whether it be financial, social, physical, or even the freedom you possess. Some are going to be mad at you for a decision that they have made in their lives. We all get jealous, (if you are reading this shaking your head, you are lying to yourself) its human nature. How we deal with this jealousy is a whole different game though. Realizing what we are truly jealous of in a situation and then realizing what role did you play in it or what you can do to change your current position is where the real challenge lies. If you are doing what you enjoy to do and you are not hurting anyone else, why do you care what other people think?

 Through this blog and a recent re-commitment to myself I have started to understand the way my mind processes things. I have learned that I need to keep myself a priority if I am going to be able to grow in my life and my recovery. I hadn't been doing this for quite sometime and I felt like dookie. Well through my daily commitment to be better than I was the day before things are starting to look very good through my eyes now. I am ok with being powerless over people, places, and things. I am ok with knowing when I put an expectation on someone or something that I am setting myself up for a let down and disappointment. I am ok with the fact that I am not running the show. I am ok with the fact that even when I have a challenging day I get to go to a meeting and see my brothers and sisters and share it with them. I am also ok with the fact that I can take a lesson out of each day I live and work on it the next. No one is perfect we all have flaws and baggage. That's OK, we are human and we do what humans do. I hope you enjoyed reading this as always thank you for the support!

Foundations

Foundations are important in whatever you are doing. If you are building a skyscraper you need a good solid foundation. I think this thought process can be applied in almost every aspect of life.

As I am nearing my 4 year clean anniversary I was thinking about where I was 4 years ago, LOW!!!! I started to think about my journey to where I am now. I wouldn't be where I am at right now without the love and support of my family and friends! I have been provided a great support circle and I am eternally grateful for that. None of this would have been possible without a solid foundation when I first started this journey. I attended meetings on a regular basis and got to know as many people as I possibly could. It was important to me that I felt a part of something. I was welcomed with open arms and smiles! I continued to work on myself and grow as a person. NOW (and I put that in capitals because I wanted to get ur attention!!!) I still have a laundry list of things that I am working on and will continue to work on until I take my last breath on this planet. I am determined to make myself better each and everyday. Be better than you were yesterday is what I tell my track kiddos. Work harder than you did yesterday. Sometimes it is difficult to do, some days I wanna sit on my ass and watch TV. (Truth) Then I start to think what this is doing for me.....other than catching up on some sweet shows, nothing. One of the reasons I started this blog was to share my journey with the world, how much of the world is actually reading or getting something from this is still unknown to me. Like my service work I do for NA though, if I can reach or help one person with this post.....then my job is done. If not that is fine too, I am doing this because I love to write and it helps me process some of the craziness in my melon.

As in everything success breeds success, but success isn't possible without establishing a foundation first. Unless you are very lucky, if that is the case I want the winning lottery numbers please! Repetition and process are key to building a foundation. Not placing expectations on anyone else is another key ingredient, I have done this far too much and am mos def working on it. When you put expectations on other people big or small, you are setting yourself up for disappointment or a resentment. Not a healthy way to live, trust that!!!! Place an expectation on yourself to work your ass off to achieve whatever it is you want in life. That is a realistic expectation, use that as motivation to work work work! If I would have made a list of my expectations when I first got clean, I would have grossly underestimated myself and where I was going to be in 4 years. Again please understand I am not bragging by any stretch, I have achieved what I have because of a loving Higher Power that keeps me living in his will, not mine and a very loving support group. I could not be here today writing this blog without their help. I am thankful and grateful for all the gifts and joys I have been given in this new life. I am also thankful for the heartaches and pain I have experienced too, I have learned a great deal about myself and how my brain, my will, and worst case scenario thinking tend to screw things up regularly. I am working on myself once again and with each breath I take I am getting a clearer perspective on my situation and what I want for my next step in life. Sometimes when things are getting askew in life it is important to take a break and regroup, refocus, and recommit yourself to what it was that was difficult for you. Do not give up before the miracle happens....... Things can change if you look at things in a different light and sometimes we must experience pain and anguish to achieve this clarity I speak of. I have only recently achieved this and it has been a battle with my head and me trying to run my own show, my will isn't the way to go. I have to trust the man up stairs and LET GO!!! As always peace and blessings to all, thank you for your continued support.

Getting Older/Getting Better

As I was at the gym today in my old Eisenhower Track jersey I started to think about how much simpler things used to be. I tell my track kids all the time to cherish that time in their lives because it doesn't get any easier. Bills, jobs, relationships, heartache, responsibilities, blah blah blah....u know grown up stuff. My mind quickly moved to thinking of them as daily challenges. If we look at these things as have to's and not get to's then life is going to suck for us. All of these things that we get to do on a daily basis are character builders. I know I know you're thinking "if I had a quarter for every time I heard that" but its true and I like to look at that way. Each and everyday we are faced with a number of challenges that are either going to motivate us to rise to the occasion or bring us down and push us further away from our goals. I want to rise to each and every challenge put in front of me and destroy it. I don't always and things don't usually go the way I want them to, that is part of belief in the will of the man upstairs. Things tend to go as they should and end up the way they should. If I had a crystal ball I would be a much happier and wealthier man, but I don't so I chose to make the most out of each and every situation. Things are not always sunshine cup cakes and unicorns pooping rainbows, sometimes things crappy things happen. Hopefully we can all look at those times and try to take something out of it, if now well I hope someday that you can find the meaning for it. They don't always come to you, sometimes you have to dig deeper than the surface level to see what was there.

Sometimes life doesn't make sense, sometimes it is easier and more comfortable to stick to what you know. I try to tell people in my life that in order to expand our comfort zone we must step outside of it. Sometimes though it is important to stay where you are comfortable to figure and reflect on the things that make us uncomfortable too. I think that is why I have been rededicating myself to myself. Looking for meaning and direction lately and I tend to be most at peace when I am pushing my body to the limits, on the road running, in the gym lifting, or in the ring boxing. It's what I have known for awhile and it helps me process thoughts. My recovery and my spiritual daily maintenance is also helping me wrap my head around things. This blog is also a great help to me and hopefully some of you that are reading this are finding something to take away from this. As always I appreciate the support that is being shown and thank you for reading this.

Pursuit of Happiness

Things in life change daily, sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad. I try to take something out of each and every situation I am presented with in life and learn from it. Recently I had to do analyze my life objectively and realize that things weren't on the path that I wanted them to. I sat down by myself and listed out all of the things that were going on in my life. I looked at the list and separated the good, the bad, and the ugly. I decided that changes were a must if I was going to get to where I wanted to be. I was not happy with myself or things in my life that I felt were pulling me down. I made a decision to work on myself, for myself. No one else is going to do that for me so why put my faith anything else but me. I am not where I want to be but I am getting closer each day. They say when one door closes another opens up......well the door that needed to close and open was me. I was doing the same things I had been hoping things would get better. If you don't invest in yourself nothing is going to change. Well that ship has sailed and it is time to keep on the course of getting back to me for me, not anyone else. As a society we tend to get wrapped up in gossip and what others think, this takes focus off of ourselves. Not a healthy practice for anyone trying to better themselves. If you want something different in your life for your future, then do something about it. Life is not going to hand you the success you want or desire in any situation. You take what you need and you work hard for it. Somewhere along the past few months I lost sight of that and was back into complacent mode expecting things to happen or happiness to magically appear. Well there was no leprechaun with a pot of gold or lucky charm marshmallows. I realized I wasn't happy with myself because I wasn't doing much for myself. So after a few long talks with my support circle I grabbed those things off the back burner and made them a priority for me. Like I said earlier, no one is going to do it for me so wtf am I waiting for.....These are just my opinions of course. I am on that pursuit and I am not getting off....... Hope all enjoyed the read, have a happy and safe labor day! Deuces

Outlets

No I am not writing about some sale at an outlet mall, I am writing about outlets in my life. Not the kind you plug a ipad into but the kind that keep you grounded mentally and physically.

Physical activity is a must in my life and has been an instrumental part of my recovery. I spent so many years tearing up my body in my 20's I sometimes feel as if I have a lot of catching up to do. That is usually when I hurt myself. I'm not 18 years old anymore and I am reminded of that pretty regularly when it is track season and I am showing my jumpers how to do something. I can still do it, but not as smoothly as I once did......many many moons ago. I also do not heal like I used to either, it is thoughts like this that humble me. I have been a runner most of my life and it is the easiest form of physical exercise in my life, it is also my favorite. I am not a half marathoner, or a marathoner, or even an ultra marathoner. I run a few miles and it is enough for me. I would like to work up to a half maybe someday but I am kosher with a few smaller runs a week. Going to the gym is another way I am able to stay active and keep out of my head. I can only handle the gym in small short doses of 40 minutes or less..... If you are reading this saying to yourself.... "bro do you even lift" or "40 minutes is my warm up " ...........you sir are a meathead....sorry had to say it. I go in do a short warm up on the dreadmill, do 3 different lifts for the muscle groups I am working, a warm down and I'm out. I am not there to discuss different lifts, max benches, what music I listen to, why I'm not wearing jewelry or cologne, and NO I DO NOT WANT A LIFTING PARTNER. I came here to lift and leave that is all, not spend my entire workout looking to see if anyone is watching me or making grunting noises in front of a mirror in hopes of gaining attention. I am a gym ninja, I do my business and bounce. :)  Wake boarding is another excellent and yet very humbling activity for me, I am good don't get me wrong but like most guys I tend to think I am better than I am and try to force things. Like most things in life when you have to force it or try too hard, it wasn't meant to be and your are probably going to fall on your face. Yes I do that sometimes and water is not as soft as one would think. Last summer I took so many spills learning how to clear the wake in the air, that I would come out of them smelling music and seeing colors. Not cool man, not cool at all, but I used them as learning experiences and got better. We all fall down in life, I try to get up, brush myself off, and move forward. I started boxing a few months ago and this outlet has been the most intense and best for me to get out of my head and my thoughts. If you think about anything other than what you are supposed to be doing, (foot work, breathing, punching, and keeping your guard up) you are going to get knocked on your booty with the quickness! It has made me question my judgment, I am certain that my trainers are trying to kill me some workouts. Yesterday was one of them, but like always I worked to get through it and became better because of it. Life throws us curveballs or left hooks when we are not expecting it, we must persevere and work hard to overcome what is ailing us. For me physical activity helps me do that more than this blog can describe. I need to stay out of my head, when in my dome I try to impose my will on situations and overthink things which causes me to try too hard in situations that I should be letting the man up stairs handle.

Like my sponsor says LET GO.......by being active and getting out of my head, I can do that!


When I force things...... (no I didn't land this one)

 When I don't force it and let things happen..... (Yes I landed this one)

Thank you all for your continued support and reads!!!!

Faith in different forms

I thought I would start this entry with the Just For Today email I just got.....This one is for tomorrow, it starts like this "These defects grow in the dark and die in the light of exposure."


Faith is a tricky subject so me being me, I am going to think out loud here. I have recently been struggling with my faith and if I am truly living in the will of the man upstairs. These are my own issues/character defects that I struggle with. I am working on it, but am still kind of a control freak. (those that know me are nodding their heads yes right now I am sure) like I said I am working on it. I have to remind myself about 20 times what my sponsor has told me and even wrote it on a piece of paper that I hung in my room......LET GO! I take a deep breath and let things go, it is tough for me to do but its a work in progress. Things happen for a reason as they should and when they should, I believe, I really do. I try to take each situation as a learning experience and make the right choice to not repeat the insanity again. I noticed when I respond to a situation as opposed to react things work out much better for me. What is that saying FTW (First Thought Wrong) I need to take time to think things through and not read to deeply into a situation. As an addict I really have to stop myself from thinking the worst for every situation and take things for what they are. I read into things and manipulate my thought process to believe what I want to, usually not a good thing for me to be doing. All I can do is not hide my defects of character, work on them daily,  and pray that I am living HIS will not mine. I tried to do things on my own in my 20's and it didn't work too well for me. I do revert back to my old ways and impose my will on a few situations instead of letting go and letting things happen as they should, not how I want them to. Well I guess I put that defect out in the light of exposure so maybe with me putting me out there someone will find strength or realize they are not alone in this world. I know that the man upstairs is looking out for me and 'Everything's going to be alright!' just me working on my stuff!  Kind of ironic that I am dealing with these defects of character while I am working my 6th step.....if you don't know what it is.....you have a homework assignment. Love and blessings to all!

Daily Maintenance

We all have our own way of keeping our sanity about us. As I sit in my chair sweating my arse off after an short but amazing evening run I was thinking of a few things...... As a recovering addict my brain does things that most do not. I have a laundry list of things I have (nay) get to do on a daily basis. I was recently reminded of my lack of daily maintenance and how far off course my level of thinking was. I have recently gotten back to the things that I need to do in my daily/weekly routine. Each and every morning I wake up and I pull my cards I have some Native American animal cards and a set of Sacred Path cards that I draw and read on. It gives me direction on things I will work on that day or reminds me of something pertinent going on in my life that I may have forgotten about. I have also re-made the commitment to being more diligent in my workouts, this summer was not so good for that. Boxing, weights, and my favorite of all time.......running. Running gives me the sense of freedom that one only dreams about. Its just me, my music, and my thoughts...pounding the pavement while I solve all of the worlds problems. ;) Ill just start with my own first. School work is another thing that was pushed back this summer, I am working hard to get my degree and used the fact I passed 3 classes in a week as a justification to slow things down......pshhhh like that is a healthy thing to do?!?!   I pray, yes I said it I pray. I pray that my friends, family members, and loved ones are happy, healthy,  and safe. I pray that I will continue to live through the will of the man upstairs. I pray for clarity and strength each day to stay clean and have a clear thought process. I started attending more meetings for NA where I find solutions to my problems, not just a forum to complain about things. I am a member and a brother to people in the fellowship and I would not trade the relationships of unconditional love I find in the rooms for any amount of money in the world. I am grateful to be of service to the fellowship because I have received so much more than I am ever going to be able to repay. These are a few of my favorite things, I sound like the song I know. This is what keeps me grounded and as level headed as I can. This blog is not a place for me to preach or stand on a soap box, it is simply a way of me speaking my heart and share a little bit of my world. If I am able to help one person through a rough time or help give direction, then I will add that to my blessings I receive on a daily basis.  If you are this far down on this post, well you have learned a little bit more about me that you may have not known.

I decided to add this video for a few reasons, I was thinking about it on my run, it is one of my favorite songs EVER, and well I don't think it got enough play when it came out..... I hope you enjoy this video half as much as I do. I want to thank you for taking time out of your evening/or day for reading a bit about me.

First entry

Where to start.....I have wanted to do a blog since about 2011 but wasn't sure what I wanted to write about. So I guess I will start with an introduction, I am 34 years old living in Yakima, WA pursuing a degree in education. I coach Track (High Jump) and Cross Country and that is what made me realize I wanted to become a teacher. I love the challenges it provides and the joy it brings my heart to see the students and even the athletes grow. I am also in recovery and have been for almost 4 years, through the program I am working I have realized many things about myself and about life. I believe that everything happens as it should and when it should, I also believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Whether it be to teach us something about the world around us or ourselves in that world. Now the things I post on here are my opinions and lessons that I have learned, if you can take something from it fantastic, if not that is great too.

I want to learn as much as there is to know about myself and my surroundings, I have a great family and a very powerful support circle that is key to my sanity. There are many things in my life that are needed to keep my sanity, my brother is a big part of that, much like me he tells it how it is. We are twins and very close, we weren't for the first 19 years of our lives then we got close and drifted back apart when I was in the later stages of my active addiction. Now that I am clean we are in sync with each other and I couldn't be happier.

Here is a picture of my CRAZY family in New York this summer
Came across this song today on a pod cast from Avicii and it was like speaking to me directly. Love music and how it can help you relate to the world or your life.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3CYKXBEtf0&feature=c4-overview&list=UUnhJEcc27A7F9_frwNbEW6w

Well I think this is enough writing for one day, I need to get some homework done so I can justify watching Breaking Bad in a few hours.......Hope you enjoyed reading my first entry.