Steps.....

Most of my post are about how great things are in my life or what I have learned from my past 4 years of being in recovery.

I am currently working on step 6 of my 12 and it happens to be about defects of character. This one is by far the hardest one I have done yet, I was warned about it too. But in typical Zach fashion I was convinced, I got this. Well no, no I don't. This weekend was one of those that I am sitting here Sunday scratching my head wondering have I really grown much at all? I have learned in the program that they aren't old behaviors if they are still being repeated in your life.

This entire time I have been doing this step I have had in the back of my head 'you should be further along in your growth then you are'. Well I am right, I know people grow and learn at different paces but I know that I am still letting my defects of character run my life and it kind of blows. This weekend I had the rare ability to hurt people. Not a something I am proud of, but in the spirit of keeping myself accountable and honest....I'm putting it out there. I was dishonest,  my insecurities and defects had there way with me this weekend and I am not going to get flowers or a phone call tomorrow.  I "effed" up and I hurt two wonderful people, which makes me realize as I am sitting here reflecting on the weekend....maybe I am not as far along on myself as I should be.

I want to sit here and try to justify what happened and play the victim (cuz I am REALLY good at that) but truth be told, I was the one that fucked up. I am going to have to live with the blow back and repercussions of my actions. It sucks but I made this mess I have to deal with it. I wanted to share it with you guys because, although I like to sit on my soapbox and tell everyone all the good I am doing.......I still mess up, I still hurt people, and I still have A LOT of work to do on myself.

As always I appreciate you support and love.

It is time to get back to my step 6, g'night and happy Sunday!