A bit of my strory

My name is Zach and I am an addict in long term recovery. What does that mean, well stay with me and I will do my best to tell ya. Recovery is an ongoing process that involves me being objective towards myself and others. I have to work on myself everyday to make myself better than I was the day before. Some days are easier than others and some days are more productive than others. That is life though give and take, good with that bad.

4 years ago I was fresh out of treatment with a mountain of debt, a car that didn't work, a license that was suspended, and insurance that hadn't been paid in years. I definitely had a long uphill battle to becoming a productive member of society. I didn't think I would ever get to that place, I didn't know what adversity and challenges awaited me either. It took a lot of fighting myself and what my father suggested that I do to get things organized and laid out. I didn't want to do it because I didn't want to see what all I had to do. Just like you don't know how far off the ground you are until you look down....... Well I did and I was amazed at the wreckage I had caused, I think I was even more amazed at what my expectations were.

I got a few jobs thanks to some close friends and started to stack my chips (that's Ebonics for collect my funds) I tracked everything I made and everything I spent. This took time, time I didn't think I had or patience I knew I didn't have. I developed the patience to understand that this wasn't going to be fixed in a day or a week. I continued to work my ace off and finally had enough money to start negotiating with these creditors. I was amazed at the negotiating power I actually had because I had money and was able to pay them right then. The process of connecting the dots, contacting them, and making checks out to them felt dirty to me. I had no one to blame but myself though. I finally got all my debt paid and then I had to get proof of payment to get it to the 3 credit agencies, that was a pain as well, but a means to an end. The finish line was in sight.

I had to put myself on a strict budget and have been able to stay on it for the entire time I have been clean, it hasn't been easy because if you know me, 'your boy likes to shop' but it has to be done, my life demands structure and routine. If I don't have it, I leave a path of destruction in my wake. I do it from time to time when I put my will in front of my HP's will. I am a control freak and lack patience sometimes and it ALWAYS bites me in the ass.

I lost both of my grandmas in 2010 with less than a year clean. I was thrown off a bit, but knew that there was no amount of tears or drugs that were going to bring them back. It was my first time in my new life that I had to deal with loss. It was the first test of my foundation. Also the first time that I can remember that I was completely out of control of that situation. My HP works in mysterious ways, truth be told both of these lovely woman (Shirley and Miriam) lived long and great lives. It was their time to leave this earth in the physical sense and I am grateful for the time I got to spend with them. They both died knowing that their grandson was clean and I will not tarnish or disrespect their last memory of me by getting loaded ever again.

I try to right in every situation but I fail miserably sometimes, last weekend was a prime example of me not thinking things through. Difference between reacting and responding, also a difference in being an asshole and doing the right thing. Unfortunately I didn't choose the ladder. I learn from my mistakes and pray I do not repeat them.

For the last month I have focused on one thing and one thing alone, me. Getting back to my healthy place and it has been an amazing journey. I haven't always done the right thing but I know that everything I have done has happened for a reason. Things happen as they should and there is a lesson to be learned in it all. People come in and leave our lives at the right time too. It is not our job to question why, it is our job to try to understand how the man upstairs is trying to teach us something. Hopefully we are not too busy to listen or learn.