I thought I would share some new thoughts on the 'F' word I have been marinating on for a bit. The 'F' word being Feelings. We all have them, we all feel them, we even try to hide them. If we are lucky enough, we have someone to walk through them with us. I think it is important to have someone that will be there for you through good times and bad, through break ups and make ups, through heartache and love. Without a few people I would have been lost this summer, I had my brother and my father who were telling me the same shit my bud was, just needed to hear it 18 different ways I suppose. These are those Ride or Die type cats that are not related to you but would do anything for you! Brandon Waldbauer and Cory Heater, and Jason Sotelo are those dudes in my life that tell me how it is, not how it should be, or not how it is supposed to be, but exactly how it is. We are able to separate what reality is and what my addict brain is cookin up.
For the first time in quite a number of months things are fitting right where they should. I didn't win the lottery, I have not graduated yet, I didn't get a raise. I have spent the better part of 3 months re-investing in myself and I am happy and I am in shape, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned a great deal since I got clean through my relationships with others. I believe that you never stop loving someone one once you have fallen in love, I think you just love them less, their place in your heart shrinks to allow room for others. I have learned that feelings are important to talk about regardless of how small and minuscule you think they are.
Some people think talking about these feelings make you weak. Telling your significant other or a best friend that "hey, I am having a insecure moment and I need help." takes a whole lot of courage. I think it is the opposite of weak to admit you are having an issue and are vulnerable. This is just my opinion though. It takes a lot to reach out and ask for help, some have great trouble with this in the program and it is the biggest downfall in recovery. Not asking for help because you don't feel worthy enough for it. Bullshiiiiiiiit, everyone on this planet is worthy of love, compassion, and the occasional kick in the ass! :)
I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives to teach us a lesson. Some lessons are easy to spot, some take some time and long after that relationship ends you are able to see it. I believe that things happen for a reason and exactly how and when they should. The man upstairs puts situations and people in our lives when he feels we are ready to have them. I have learned that just because you are in love with someone, doesn't mean that you are supposed to be together or it is a good fit. People are different and that is ok, find someone that makes you happy and that you want to make happy. If that person is yourself, more power to you!
As always thank you for reading and following my blog. Words cannot express how grateful I am that you people "he said you people!!!" are supporting me.
Z
Monday, October 28, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
The recovery process : Oil and Water
Last night I was at a meeting and we were talking about different topics. One that stuck out to me was the choice to go back out and get loaded as if it were a difficult decision. Many of lives decisions are difficult to make, we need to be educated to make the correct ones. This one however, is not!!! The recovery process is not a difficult thing to understand. There are a few suggestions from our predecessors that we are to follow if we want to be successful: go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps into your life, get involved in service work. That is all, recovery has 100% success rate to those that work the program like that. Of course there are different circumstances and situations that limit people from doing certain things in this, but for the most part if you work the program this way it works.
There have been times in my recovery that I have gotten done sharing in a meeting and thought to myself "man that was a good share" or thought someone else's' was on point. Last night during someone speaking this feeling came over me, I thought I would share it with you people.....(he said you people) (what did he mean by you people???) :) Anywhooooo, I figured out the difficulties that people have with the program and following the previously mentioned suggestions. You may want to sit down for this one, I will wait.................................................. We as humans/addicts tend to make EVERYTHING in our life more difficult than they need to be. We take a simple task like brushing our teeth and turning it into a complete bathroom organization process. The task isn't complete until we have done everything else in addition to that task. You have all heard the saying "make a mountain out of a molehill" well that is an addict to a T.
We focus on one thing and try our hardest to keep it simple, this never happens though. We tend to take longer than need be on things that shouldn't take anytime at all, this is because we love to procrastinate or distract ourselves. We distract ourselves from ourselves, working on ourselves, or growing for ourselves. Recovery is a process and that process is a life long adventure, we like things our way and our way is NOW, not in a week, month, or a year.
Anything worth having is worth working for and towards. That is a painful but accurate statement. Once we have achieved our goal and put in the work, we appreciate what we have accomplished 10 times more. My schooling is a perfect example of this, I know that my job for the past 3 years and my student teaching are what will mold me into a new teacher. Experience and dedication will help me become a great one. Not sitting through some boring lesson on Vygotsky's cognitive development theory or the invention of the text book. I understand it is what needs to be done though so I am doing it. Once I am in my own classroom, I will take a deep breath and understand what all the hard work was for.
Back to the recovery thing, we make things too difficult. Some more than others and some waaaaay more than others. Recovery is easy, the process takes work but it is worth it. It is not as if we are sitting in the meetings trying to split an atom with tweezers and a plastic fork. Follow the suggestions, put the work in, and you will be amazed how much growth you will obtain. Goes for anything and anyone on this planet really.
We are the oil and recovery is the water, it is clear what needs to be done but some just want to make poor decisions and float on the top as opposed to getting involved and working on themselves.
There have been times in my recovery that I have gotten done sharing in a meeting and thought to myself "man that was a good share" or thought someone else's' was on point. Last night during someone speaking this feeling came over me, I thought I would share it with you people.....(he said you people) (what did he mean by you people???) :) Anywhooooo, I figured out the difficulties that people have with the program and following the previously mentioned suggestions. You may want to sit down for this one, I will wait.................................................. We as humans/addicts tend to make EVERYTHING in our life more difficult than they need to be. We take a simple task like brushing our teeth and turning it into a complete bathroom organization process. The task isn't complete until we have done everything else in addition to that task. You have all heard the saying "make a mountain out of a molehill" well that is an addict to a T.
We focus on one thing and try our hardest to keep it simple, this never happens though. We tend to take longer than need be on things that shouldn't take anytime at all, this is because we love to procrastinate or distract ourselves. We distract ourselves from ourselves, working on ourselves, or growing for ourselves. Recovery is a process and that process is a life long adventure, we like things our way and our way is NOW, not in a week, month, or a year.
Anything worth having is worth working for and towards. That is a painful but accurate statement. Once we have achieved our goal and put in the work, we appreciate what we have accomplished 10 times more. My schooling is a perfect example of this, I know that my job for the past 3 years and my student teaching are what will mold me into a new teacher. Experience and dedication will help me become a great one. Not sitting through some boring lesson on Vygotsky's cognitive development theory or the invention of the text book. I understand it is what needs to be done though so I am doing it. Once I am in my own classroom, I will take a deep breath and understand what all the hard work was for.
Back to the recovery thing, we make things too difficult. Some more than others and some waaaaay more than others. Recovery is easy, the process takes work but it is worth it. It is not as if we are sitting in the meetings trying to split an atom with tweezers and a plastic fork. Follow the suggestions, put the work in, and you will be amazed how much growth you will obtain. Goes for anything and anyone on this planet really.
We are the oil and recovery is the water, it is clear what needs to be done but some just want to make poor decisions and float on the top as opposed to getting involved and working on themselves.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
The Path
A relationship with yourself will trump any other kind of relationship you can have. I can't speak as a parent, because I do not have children. I am sure the one you share with your kiddo is an amazing one. Maybe if its in the cards and my Higher Powers' will I will be able to speak on it some day. Now all I can do is speak to what I know. The past few months it has been a journey, a journey to get back to me. Now to those who have been following my blog you have read all about it. If you haven't that is ok too. The people that are supposed to follow and read have been. If this is your first read, welcome to my world. :)
The journey over the last two months has been a great one for me. Not all of it have been unicorns pooping rainbows. I have made some mistakes and hurt some people along the way. I mess up like most people and for that I am truly sorry. I have, however learned from it though. There have been some tough times and some painful lessons learned, all have been timely and necessary though. I have talked about many things that I have learned over the past 4 years and the growth that has been achieved.
Learning about and developing a relationship with yourself is an ongoing process that I am not sure I will ever complete. Its a daily process, seeing how you respond or react to situations that you come across. This is an interesting reflection at the end of the day, like the saying "hindsight is 20/20". I understand I have a LONG way to go to achieving oneness and being balanced. I am stretched thin between, work, school, training, recovery, and being there for my friends and family. I am working on it. Progress not perfection is what I have learned in the program.
Most of my posts are late at night, I think it is my reflection time as is for most people. Looking back on the days events and the lessons we have learned or not learned. Many times I am ok with my days work, others I am saying to myself, "well today didn't pan out the way I thought it would". That's ok though, I believe that things happen as they should. I believe that it is not our job to know why things worked out that way but it is our job to learn from them. Life is full of opportunities to learn and grow it is our decision whether we take advantage of these situations.
For the first time in a long time I am ok being alone, I am ok with working on myself for myself. I have some amazing friends, some new and some old, my support system is unrivaled (my humble and completely biased opinion of course) I am on a path and I know that my Higher Power will put in my life only what I am ready for. I know he will put the people in my life that I can handle. I have faith in him and what he provides, he has allowed me to achieve much and learn even more over the 4+ years of my recovery. I am enjoying learning about life and myself.
As always friends, it is an honor to be able to share my thoughts, lessons learned, and my overall love of writing with you. I hope you have been touched or learned something from any of my entries on this blog. If not, that is ok to people are going to get out of reading this EXACTLY what they are supposed to.
I hope your week ahead is successful beyond your expectations and you touch/inspire someone along the way.
Thanks for reading
Z
The journey over the last two months has been a great one for me. Not all of it have been unicorns pooping rainbows. I have made some mistakes and hurt some people along the way. I mess up like most people and for that I am truly sorry. I have, however learned from it though. There have been some tough times and some painful lessons learned, all have been timely and necessary though. I have talked about many things that I have learned over the past 4 years and the growth that has been achieved.
Learning about and developing a relationship with yourself is an ongoing process that I am not sure I will ever complete. Its a daily process, seeing how you respond or react to situations that you come across. This is an interesting reflection at the end of the day, like the saying "hindsight is 20/20". I understand I have a LONG way to go to achieving oneness and being balanced. I am stretched thin between, work, school, training, recovery, and being there for my friends and family. I am working on it. Progress not perfection is what I have learned in the program.
Most of my posts are late at night, I think it is my reflection time as is for most people. Looking back on the days events and the lessons we have learned or not learned. Many times I am ok with my days work, others I am saying to myself, "well today didn't pan out the way I thought it would". That's ok though, I believe that things happen as they should. I believe that it is not our job to know why things worked out that way but it is our job to learn from them. Life is full of opportunities to learn and grow it is our decision whether we take advantage of these situations.
For the first time in a long time I am ok being alone, I am ok with working on myself for myself. I have some amazing friends, some new and some old, my support system is unrivaled (my humble and completely biased opinion of course) I am on a path and I know that my Higher Power will put in my life only what I am ready for. I know he will put the people in my life that I can handle. I have faith in him and what he provides, he has allowed me to achieve much and learn even more over the 4+ years of my recovery. I am enjoying learning about life and myself.
As always friends, it is an honor to be able to share my thoughts, lessons learned, and my overall love of writing with you. I hope you have been touched or learned something from any of my entries on this blog. If not, that is ok to people are going to get out of reading this EXACTLY what they are supposed to.
I hope your week ahead is successful beyond your expectations and you touch/inspire someone along the way.
Thanks for reading
Z
Sunday, October 6, 2013
A bit of my strory
My name is Zach and I am an addict in long term recovery. What does that mean, well stay with me and I will do my best to tell ya. Recovery is an ongoing process that involves me being objective towards myself and others. I have to work on myself everyday to make myself better than I was the day before. Some days are easier than others and some days are more productive than others. That is life though give and take, good with that bad.
4 years ago I was fresh out of treatment with a mountain of debt, a car that didn't work, a license that was suspended, and insurance that hadn't been paid in years. I definitely had a long uphill battle to becoming a productive member of society. I didn't think I would ever get to that place, I didn't know what adversity and challenges awaited me either. It took a lot of fighting myself and what my father suggested that I do to get things organized and laid out. I didn't want to do it because I didn't want to see what all I had to do. Just like you don't know how far off the ground you are until you look down....... Well I did and I was amazed at the wreckage I had caused, I think I was even more amazed at what my expectations were.
I got a few jobs thanks to some close friends and started to stack my chips (that's Ebonics for collect my funds) I tracked everything I made and everything I spent. This took time, time I didn't think I had or patience I knew I didn't have. I developed the patience to understand that this wasn't going to be fixed in a day or a week. I continued to work my ace off and finally had enough money to start negotiating with these creditors. I was amazed at the negotiating power I actually had because I had money and was able to pay them right then. The process of connecting the dots, contacting them, and making checks out to them felt dirty to me. I had no one to blame but myself though. I finally got all my debt paid and then I had to get proof of payment to get it to the 3 credit agencies, that was a pain as well, but a means to an end. The finish line was in sight.
I had to put myself on a strict budget and have been able to stay on it for the entire time I have been clean, it hasn't been easy because if you know me, 'your boy likes to shop' but it has to be done, my life demands structure and routine. If I don't have it, I leave a path of destruction in my wake. I do it from time to time when I put my will in front of my HP's will. I am a control freak and lack patience sometimes and it ALWAYS bites me in the ass.
I lost both of my grandmas in 2010 with less than a year clean. I was thrown off a bit, but knew that there was no amount of tears or drugs that were going to bring them back. It was my first time in my new life that I had to deal with loss. It was the first test of my foundation. Also the first time that I can remember that I was completely out of control of that situation. My HP works in mysterious ways, truth be told both of these lovely woman (Shirley and Miriam) lived long and great lives. It was their time to leave this earth in the physical sense and I am grateful for the time I got to spend with them. They both died knowing that their grandson was clean and I will not tarnish or disrespect their last memory of me by getting loaded ever again.
I try to right in every situation but I fail miserably sometimes, last weekend was a prime example of me not thinking things through. Difference between reacting and responding, also a difference in being an asshole and doing the right thing. Unfortunately I didn't choose the ladder. I learn from my mistakes and pray I do not repeat them.
For the last month I have focused on one thing and one thing alone, me. Getting back to my healthy place and it has been an amazing journey. I haven't always done the right thing but I know that everything I have done has happened for a reason. Things happen as they should and there is a lesson to be learned in it all. People come in and leave our lives at the right time too. It is not our job to question why, it is our job to try to understand how the man upstairs is trying to teach us something. Hopefully we are not too busy to listen or learn.
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