I thought I would share some new thoughts on the 'F' word I have been marinating on for a bit. The 'F' word being Feelings. We all have them, we all feel them, we even try to hide them. If we are lucky enough, we have someone to walk through them with us. I think it is important to have someone that will be there for you through good times and bad, through break ups and make ups, through heartache and love. Without a few people I would have been lost this summer, I had my brother and my father who were telling me the same shit my bud was, just needed to hear it 18 different ways I suppose. These are those Ride or Die type cats that are not related to you but would do anything for you! Brandon Waldbauer and Cory Heater, and Jason Sotelo are those dudes in my life that tell me how it is, not how it should be, or not how it is supposed to be, but exactly how it is. We are able to separate what reality is and what my addict brain is cookin up.
For the first time in quite a number of months things are fitting right where they should. I didn't win the lottery, I have not graduated yet, I didn't get a raise. I have spent the better part of 3 months re-investing in myself and I am happy and I am in shape, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned a great deal since I got clean through my relationships with others. I believe that you never stop loving someone one once you have fallen in love, I think you just love them less, their place in your heart shrinks to allow room for others. I have learned that feelings are important to talk about regardless of how small and minuscule you think they are.
Some people think talking about these feelings make you weak. Telling your significant other or a best friend that "hey, I am having a insecure moment and I need help." takes a whole lot of courage. I think it is the opposite of weak to admit you are having an issue and are vulnerable. This is just my opinion though. It takes a lot to reach out and ask for help, some have great trouble with this in the program and it is the biggest downfall in recovery. Not asking for help because you don't feel worthy enough for it. Bullshiiiiiiiit, everyone on this planet is worthy of love, compassion, and the occasional kick in the ass! :)
I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives to teach us a lesson. Some lessons are easy to spot, some take some time and long after that relationship ends you are able to see it. I believe that things happen for a reason and exactly how and when they should. The man upstairs puts situations and people in our lives when he feels we are ready to have them. I have learned that just because you are in love with someone, doesn't mean that you are supposed to be together or it is a good fit. People are different and that is ok, find someone that makes you happy and that you want to make happy. If that person is yourself, more power to you!
As always thank you for reading and following my blog. Words cannot express how grateful I am that you people "he said you people!!!" are supporting me.
Z
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