Clarity

For a little over a month know I have been on a mission for clarity. Clarity about me, my journey, and my disease of addiction. This disease manifests itself in ways that can not be described in words to most people. I have learned a ton about myself and it has been a enlightening journey. I am coming to realize something that I need to stick to, if there is a person or situation that is not contributing to the health or well being of your life.....cut them out. I have spent too long being around people that don't contribute to anything, high maintenance, or just plain bat shit crazy. That is fine if they are, but I chooooooose not to have them around. People that think they are doing me a favor by hanging out. That mentality is almost comical to me now that I typed it out.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything - George Bernard Shaw.

Change and growth have been my theme this past month. I realized why I was unhappy and made decisions to put change in process. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you it has been all rainbows and cupcakes because it hasn't. That would be lying and I am trying to be extremely honest on here and my life in general. Spiritually, mentally, physically, I am at my best I have been in 10 years maybe ever. Emotionally it has been a battle, the battle is with my disease. That is ok though, what is happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening and I am ok with that. I hate to be alone and being in relationships have made me feel safe. Healthy or not it has been my M.O. for the past 4 years. This has not been a healthy or helpful one for me or my growth as a person. No one should ever define who you are or who you are trying to become. Like I mentioned previously, if there is someone in your life that is not helping with your overall wellbeing....cut them out. Easier said than done for me in the past, I like to not look at the writing on the walls or not listen to my support group. I like to see things as they aren't or play the "what if game" always a HUGE waste of time for me.

Unrealistic expectations is another one of those defects of character that keep popping up in my life (to my recovery friends that read this, its on my 6th step...progress not perfection), when you put expectations on anyone or anything, prepare yourself for a huge disappointment. I wish I could tell you that I no longer do that. Falsehood of the post, I do it still with almost everyone and everything around me. It sucks but I am learning that when I do it, I have already taken myself out of the game.

Working out has been a huge blessing this past month. I have been working my ass off and am starting to see and feel changes. I have dropped 15 pounds, not because I have been depressed and not eating, that would be stupid. I work hard each day to be better than I was yesterday. It is a choice, just like not using drugs or eating cupcakes at 11pm. Choices take commitment and follow through to stick to them. Recently my head boxing trainer asked if I wanted to fight in October when we clash against another team. I told him "hell yes" but only if he thought I was ready. In my mind I will never be ready, that is my disease telling me I am not good enough. He said that I was and he wanted to see me fight. This is a scary thought for me but I am always up for a challenge. More shall be revealed in the coming posts.

All in all life is good, I am realizing that right now at this point in my life that I am not interested in having people around me that drain my energy or passion for life. Something I have had in my brain for, well about 2 months. Just now being able to put it into words, part of the process I spose.

As always I am honored that you took time to read my blog and hope you will continue to do so. Love, peace, health, and blessings to all!

Z