Shifting

Yesterday I did something that I didn't think I would be able to do. I put aside my pride and ego in order to do what I felt was right in regards to a service position for NA. If you know me I am a service whore when it comes to the program. I can't repay it enough for what it has given me, a new life. I have been the Area Chair for the past year and done a lot of growing because of it. Through personality conflicts and changes within the area I found myself starting to resent the position and what I had to do. Some days it felt as if I got nothing done, others it felt like I was a babysitter. I love my NA family, but the amount of difficult decisions I had to make in this position was starting to wear on me. So I decided to talk to my sponsor, pray and meditate on it. I did what was suggested and declined a nomination for a second term.

I am going to focus on me for the next year, my recovery (personal) and my schooling which are and will remain my top two priorities. I also have been doing a lot of soul searching in terms of relationships vs. being alone. I never have been one to be alone, jumping from relationship to relationship. Never really works out because I don't take enough time for myself, I tend to rush into things and "settle" for things that I shouldn't.

It occurred to me two weeks ago that my loneliness was effecting my judgment wanting my ex back. I recently had finished my 10th step which was a personal inventory, it occurred to me......I didn't want to be alone. Through some thought I discovered, I would rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person.I want to be in a relationship with my equal not someone who needs fixing. I want the kids and the family. I will accept what ever my HP sees fit for me. However, being lonely doesn't give me a reason to try to re open a door that in a relationship that shouldn't have ever been opened in the first place. I fall hard when I do and it tends to get me hurt time and time again. So reinvesting in myself and being OK with being alone needs to happen. If someone crosses my path, I'm not going to turn away but I need to approach things differently. My previous relationship didn't work for a number of reasons. To sum it up in a few words Square peg round whole. My Dad has ALWAYS told me that you can't put toothpaste back in the tube.  Maybe one of these days I will actually listen to him.....don't tell him I said that.

Going to keep this one as short as I can, I got homework to do people....... until next time, thanks for the support and reads. :)