Looking through new eyes in 2014

Well the new year has come and gone, welcome to 2014. I decided once again to not make any resolutions this year. For some reason I always think it is an out for some one to make them than break them 2 months later. So instead I decided to use a new set of eyes to look at my life through. I am starting my 4th year of coaching, in the middle of my 3rd year of educating, and my last year of my degree. This time next year I should be talking to you loyal followers about graduating. After some talk with my pops, (who is rarely wrong) I decided to not take a year off and pursue my masters right out the gate. I am thinking I would like to obtain a masters in administration. Being a principle or vice principle would be a great way to end my career in education once I am old and hopefully not too fat. :) I have a long road of teaching ahead of me but it is just a thought.

As I am now into my 4th year of recovery it is also time to think about how I can grow more than I already have. This Sunday will mark a huge accomplishment for me as I am to be voted in as the Central Washington's Area Chair. This was one of the first goals I set in my recovery and because of the program, the people in the program, and my Higher Power I am about to achieve this. I have to remain teachable and willing to do what is best for the program and my recovery. I try to go to bed each night better than I was when I wake up. It doesn't always happen, I make mistakes and sometimes people get hurt in the process. I am not perfect, I am human.... I try to learn from these mistakes and move forward in hopes to not make them again.

This Christmas was great, I got to spend time with my twin brother and enjoyed every minute of it. It's funny, we spent the first 19 years of our life fighting like cats and dogs, the next 11 pulling farther away because of my addiction, and the last 4 becoming closer than ever. I miss that dude more than words can describe. We had a blast and many inappropriate laughs this holiday. We even met Santa Claus......

We used to get our picture taken each year for my gma when she was alive, so we thought we would do it for old time sake. It was fun and goofy, but most of all it brought a smile to my family's face.

I got me a new toy for Xmas too, I bought a Nikon D3200 DSLR Camera. I have been learning about photography in one of my students classes this year and always loved taking pictures. Unfortunately my iPhone camera doesn't produce the quality of pics I am proud of. So I did a ton of research and stepped up my game. I have been introduced to a world I didn't know existed, I am a child in the land of giants here. I enjoy taking pictures and enjoy learning a new craft. Here are a few of my favorite pics I have taken so far. More to come I promise, I would like to incorporate some of them into this blog to show the true beauty of the world we live in.

This one is by far my favorite so far!

So here is to a year of growth and looking through new eyes. As always thank you for the support and following my journey on this earth.

Love

Twinies!!!

Priorities

It occurred to me last week at some point that it had been awhile since I last posted. Being that I am busy, I decided to put it in the back of my brain and move on. Well I had a little free time tonight and thought I may share some thoughts.

I have been overwhelmed lately with a particular class in school. Geometry, Statistics, and Data Analysis. You are probably thinking, "jeeze I did that in middle school" and you would be right for the most part. unfortunately the thought of, "if you don't use it, you lose it" is true. I had forgotten almost completely everything I had learned up to that point. Added with the fact that the scope of this class rivals any three at a normal university, it made this class very difficult. Studying for the final these last few weeks has quickly become my biggest priority. I have put off many things in my regiment that keep me healthy. You see I am a year away from graduating and if everything doesn't work out how it is planned out I wont be student teaching next fall. I know if it doesn't happen it won't be the end of the earth as I know it. I am just so ready to be done with school and be in my own classroom.

The more I am spending in different classrooms I am starting to realize what I think I want to teach. I have always been an underdog/rise to the challenge type of guy. I figure there are two different types of people in the world, the people who get math, and everyone else. I fall into the second category, but me being the guy I am, I want to teach middle school math. Here's my thought process behind it, if I can understand something to the point of being able to explain it in terms that I understand it, there is a good chance that the non-math brained people are going to understand it too. The math brain people are going to get it no matter what because it is a mathematical concept.

I have spent some time in a teachers classroom where one of my students' is. He is the type of teacher that the kids love, respect, and want to be around. He is also the type of teacher that loves his job and is able to relate to the kids on a different level than just teaching math. The funny thing is, is we went to high school together and probably said 10 words to each other the entire time. Granted I was a dick in high school to most people that weren't part of my crew, but if you have been reading my blogs, you know that people can change. I look up to this guy for a few reasons; he loves his job, he relates to the kids to the point that they enjoy the class, he is deeply passionate about having the kids learn, and I believe although he would never admit it, he inspires them daily. Not to mention the more I get to know this guy, the more I am finding how down to earth and funny he is. This is the kind of teacher and thought process that drives me to get my schooling done and try to be a better educator each day.

I get frustrated sometimes because I know where I work and what I do is what is teaching me to be a better educator, not learning the cognitive brain development theory of Vygotsky or when the text book was invented. I understand though it is part of the process, my dad always used to say, "you have to play by someone else's rules to get where you want to be." Truth that keeps me working towards the finish line in my schooling, the finish line is in place, just gotta put my chin down and finish strong.

As always thank you for being a part of my journey, peace and blessings to all!

Z

Gratitude

First Sunday of the month, you know what that means....... ASC (Area Service Committee), yup I said service...... If you aren't involved in service and you are in recovery, SHAME ON YOU!

Today was one of those days that reflecting upon it tonight for which I am eternally grateful. I am grateful for the craziness this morning at Public Relations subcommittee,  struggling with my own control issues, lets me know I am not cured. Grateful that I had the ability to work through my own shit and not take it out on anyone else. Grateful that I am able to be of service to Narcotics Anonymous. 4 years ago today I went to my first area, I was nominated to represent my home group at only 45 days clean. Not because I was so awesome or overly qualified, but because I was WILLING to do it. I walked in to this room with about 45 people that were being loud, obnoxious, and a little crazy. "This is area," I thought to myself. I had heard tales of people screaming, calling names, and even throwing chairs at others (I pictured Roadhouse the movie)

Well I have yet to see anything thrown at anyone else or any names being called out of spite, or screaming at the top of their lungs. Maybe some raised voices but it does get pretty loud in their so you have to speak up. The thing of it is, we are all very passionate about many things, but one thing in particular....SERVICE WORK. After my head stopped spinning I settled down and was able to take it all in and try my best to figure it out. 4 years later I am still trying to figure it out. :) I made a decision that I wanted to be Area's Chairperson some day long down the road and many years later. I have been in service ever since and honestly can't see myself doing it any other way.

I have had many positions in service in the time I have been clean and served many different bodies. (not those kinds of bodies)  bodies as in committees. Well today I was nominated for Chair of course me being me I started to have all these doubts in my mind about not being ready or not being able to fulfill the job's duties. Than my Ride or Die brother in recovery Brandon told me that I wouldn't have been nominated if I wasn't ready. I have said this before, things happen exactly as they should and the man upstairs only puts people and situations in your life when he believes you can handle them. Well I guess my I am ready or at least that is what I have been told. I have some GIANT shoes to fill with the last 3 chairs having all had 9+ years of recovery and a ton of knowledge. If I am elected I am going to do my best to be the best Chair I can be.

One of the many things I have been able to accomplish in the last 4 years I am grateful for. With all of the success and failures I have had since getting clean, not once did I think going back out was a good decision. I owe all my success and growth to the people I have met over the past few years and the program of Narcotics Anonymous. As always, thank you for reading my blog. I hope you enjoyed the sweet picture I added for a little bit of awesomeness. The picture is from when he was fighting that dude by the water and ripped his throat out. EPIC SHIT.....hahaha

Love, peace, and blessings family

It is what it is

I thought I would share some new thoughts on the 'F' word I have been marinating on for a bit. The 'F' word being Feelings. We all have them, we all feel them, we even try to hide them. If we are lucky enough, we have someone to walk through them with us. I think it is important to have someone that will be there for you through good times and bad, through break ups and make ups, through heartache and love. Without a few people I would have been lost this summer, I had my brother and my father who were telling me the same shit my bud was, just needed to hear it 18 different ways I suppose. These are those Ride or Die type cats that are not related to you but would do anything for you! Brandon Waldbauer and Cory Heater, and Jason Sotelo are those dudes in my life that tell me how it is, not how it should be, or not how it is supposed to be, but exactly how it is. We are able to separate what reality is and what my addict brain is cookin up.

For the first time in quite a number of months things are fitting right where they should. I didn't win the lottery, I have not graduated yet, I didn't get a raise. I have spent the better part of 3 months re-investing in myself and I am happy and I am in shape, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned a great deal since I got clean through my relationships with others. I believe that you never stop loving someone one once you have fallen in love, I think you just love them less, their place in your heart shrinks to allow room for others. I have learned that feelings are important to talk about regardless of how small and minuscule you think they are.

Some people think talking about these feelings make you weak. Telling your significant other or a best friend that "hey, I am having a insecure moment and I need help." takes a whole lot of courage. I think it is the opposite of weak to admit you are having an issue and are vulnerable. This is just my opinion though. It takes a lot to reach out and ask for help, some have great trouble with this in the program and it is the biggest downfall in recovery. Not asking for help because you don't feel worthy enough for it. Bullshiiiiiiiit, everyone on this planet is worthy of love, compassion, and the occasional kick in the ass! :)


I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives to teach us a lesson. Some lessons are easy to spot, some take some time and long after that relationship ends you are able to see it. I believe that things happen for a reason and exactly how and when they should. The man upstairs puts situations and people in our lives when he feels we are ready to have them. I have learned that just because you are in love with someone, doesn't mean that you are supposed to be together or it is a good fit. People are different and that is ok, find someone that makes you happy and that you want to make happy. If that person is yourself, more power to you!

As always thank you for reading and following my blog. Words cannot express how grateful I am that you people "he said you people!!!" are supporting me.

Z

The recovery process : Oil and Water

Last night I was at a meeting and we were talking about different topics. One that stuck out to me was the choice to go back out and get loaded as if it were a difficult decision. Many of lives decisions are difficult to make, we need to be educated to make the correct ones. This one however, is not!!! The recovery process is not a difficult thing to understand. There are a few suggestions from our predecessors that we are to follow if we want to be successful: go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps into your life, get involved in service work. That is all, recovery has 100% success rate to those that work the program like that. Of course there are different circumstances and situations that limit people from doing certain things in this, but for the most part if you work the program this way it works.

There have been times in my recovery that I have gotten done sharing in a meeting and thought to myself "man that was a good share" or thought someone else's' was on point. Last night during someone speaking this feeling came over me, I thought I would share it with you people.....(he said you people) (what did he mean by you people???) :) Anywhooooo, I figured out the difficulties that people have with the program and following the previously mentioned suggestions. You may want to sit down for this one, I will wait.................................................. We as humans/addicts tend to make EVERYTHING in our life more difficult than they need to be. We take a simple task like brushing our teeth and turning it into a complete bathroom organization process. The task isn't complete until we have done everything else in addition to that task. You have all heard the saying "make a mountain out of a molehill" well that is an addict to a T.

We focus on one thing and try our hardest to keep it simple, this never happens though. We tend to take longer than need be on things that shouldn't take anytime at all, this is because we love to procrastinate or distract ourselves. We distract ourselves from ourselves, working on ourselves, or growing for ourselves. Recovery is a process and that process is a life long adventure, we like things our way and our way is NOW, not in a week, month, or a year.

Anything worth having is worth working for and towards. That is a painful but accurate statement. Once we have achieved our goal and put in the work, we appreciate what we have accomplished 10 times more. My schooling is a perfect example of this, I know that my job for the past 3 years and my student teaching are what will mold me into a new teacher. Experience and dedication will help me become a great one. Not sitting through some boring lesson on Vygotsky's cognitive development theory or the invention of the text book. I understand it is what needs to be done though so I am doing it. Once I am in my own classroom, I will take a deep breath and understand what all the hard work was for.

Back to the recovery thing, we make things too difficult. Some more than others and some waaaaay more than others. Recovery is easy, the process takes work but it is worth it. It is not as if we are sitting in the meetings trying to split an atom with tweezers and a plastic fork. Follow the suggestions, put the work in, and you will be amazed how much growth you will obtain. Goes for anything and anyone on this planet really.

We are the oil and recovery is the water, it is clear what needs to be done but some just want to make poor decisions and float on the top as opposed to getting involved and working on themselves.

The Path

A relationship with yourself will trump any other kind of relationship you can have. I can't speak as a parent, because I do not have children. I am sure the one you share with your kiddo is an amazing one. Maybe if its in the cards and my Higher Powers' will I will be able to speak on it some day. Now all I can do is speak to what I know. The past few months it has been a journey, a journey to get back to me. Now to those who have been following my blog you have read all about it. If you haven't that is ok too. The people that are supposed to follow and read have been. If this is your first read, welcome to my world. :)

The journey over the last two months has been a great one for me. Not all of it have been unicorns pooping rainbows. I have made some mistakes and hurt some people along the way. I mess up like most people and for that I am truly sorry. I have, however learned from it though. There have been some tough times and some painful lessons learned, all have been timely and necessary though. I have talked about many things that I have learned over the past 4 years and the growth that has been achieved.

Learning about and developing a relationship with yourself is an ongoing process that I am not sure I will ever complete. Its a daily process, seeing how you respond or react to situations that you come across. This is an interesting reflection at the end of the day, like the saying "hindsight is 20/20". I understand I have a LONG way to go to achieving oneness and being balanced. I am stretched thin between, work, school, training, recovery, and being there for my friends and family. I am working on it. Progress not perfection is what I have learned in the program.

Most of my posts are late at night, I think it is my reflection time as is for most people. Looking back on the days events and the lessons we have learned or not learned. Many times I am ok with my days work, others I am saying to myself, "well today didn't pan out the way I thought it would". That's ok though, I believe that things happen as they should. I believe that it is not our job to know why things worked out that way but it is our job to learn from them. Life is full of opportunities to learn and grow it is our decision whether we take advantage of these situations.

For the first time in a long time I am ok being alone, I am ok with working on myself for myself. I have some amazing friends, some new and some old, my support system is unrivaled (my humble and completely biased opinion of course) I am on a path and I know that my Higher Power will put in my life only what I am ready for. I know he will put the people in my life that I can handle. I have faith in him and what he provides, he has allowed me to achieve much and learn even more over the 4+ years of my recovery. I am enjoying learning about life and myself.

As always friends, it is an honor to be able to share my thoughts, lessons learned, and my overall love of writing with you. I hope you have been touched or learned something from any of my entries on this blog. If not, that is ok to people are going to get out of reading this EXACTLY what they are supposed to.

I hope your week ahead is successful beyond your expectations and you touch/inspire someone along the way.


Thanks for reading

Z