I thought I would share some new thoughts on the 'F' word I have been marinating on for a bit. The 'F' word being Feelings. We all have them, we all feel them, we even try to hide them. If we are lucky enough, we have someone to walk through them with us. I think it is important to have someone that will be there for you through good times and bad, through break ups and make ups, through heartache and love. Without a few people I would have been lost this summer, I had my brother and my father who were telling me the same shit my bud was, just needed to hear it 18 different ways I suppose. These are those Ride or Die type cats that are not related to you but would do anything for you! Brandon Waldbauer and Cory Heater, and Jason Sotelo are those dudes in my life that tell me how it is, not how it should be, or not how it is supposed to be, but exactly how it is. We are able to separate what reality is and what my addict brain is cookin up.
For the first time in quite a number of months things are fitting right where they should. I didn't win the lottery, I have not graduated yet, I didn't get a raise. I have spent the better part of 3 months re-investing in myself and I am happy and I am in shape, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned a great deal since I got clean through my relationships with others. I believe that you never stop loving someone one once you have fallen in love, I think you just love them less, their place in your heart shrinks to allow room for others. I have learned that feelings are important to talk about regardless of how small and minuscule you think they are.
Some people think talking about these feelings make you weak. Telling your significant other or a best friend that "hey, I am having a insecure moment and I need help." takes a whole lot of courage. I think it is the opposite of weak to admit you are having an issue and are vulnerable. This is just my opinion though. It takes a lot to reach out and ask for help, some have great trouble with this in the program and it is the biggest downfall in recovery. Not asking for help because you don't feel worthy enough for it. Bullshiiiiiiiit, everyone on this planet is worthy of love, compassion, and the occasional kick in the ass! :)
I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives to teach us a lesson. Some lessons are easy to spot, some take some time and long after that relationship ends you are able to see it. I believe that things happen for a reason and exactly how and when they should. The man upstairs puts situations and people in our lives when he feels we are ready to have them. I have learned that just because you are in love with someone, doesn't mean that you are supposed to be together or it is a good fit. People are different and that is ok, find someone that makes you happy and that you want to make happy. If that person is yourself, more power to you!
As always thank you for reading and following my blog. Words cannot express how grateful I am that you people "he said you people!!!" are supporting me.
Z
Monday, October 28, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
The recovery process : Oil and Water
Last night I was at a meeting and we were talking about different topics. One that stuck out to me was the choice to go back out and get loaded as if it were a difficult decision. Many of lives decisions are difficult to make, we need to be educated to make the correct ones. This one however, is not!!! The recovery process is not a difficult thing to understand. There are a few suggestions from our predecessors that we are to follow if we want to be successful: go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps into your life, get involved in service work. That is all, recovery has 100% success rate to those that work the program like that. Of course there are different circumstances and situations that limit people from doing certain things in this, but for the most part if you work the program this way it works.
There have been times in my recovery that I have gotten done sharing in a meeting and thought to myself "man that was a good share" or thought someone else's' was on point. Last night during someone speaking this feeling came over me, I thought I would share it with you people.....(he said you people) (what did he mean by you people???) :) Anywhooooo, I figured out the difficulties that people have with the program and following the previously mentioned suggestions. You may want to sit down for this one, I will wait.................................................. We as humans/addicts tend to make EVERYTHING in our life more difficult than they need to be. We take a simple task like brushing our teeth and turning it into a complete bathroom organization process. The task isn't complete until we have done everything else in addition to that task. You have all heard the saying "make a mountain out of a molehill" well that is an addict to a T.
We focus on one thing and try our hardest to keep it simple, this never happens though. We tend to take longer than need be on things that shouldn't take anytime at all, this is because we love to procrastinate or distract ourselves. We distract ourselves from ourselves, working on ourselves, or growing for ourselves. Recovery is a process and that process is a life long adventure, we like things our way and our way is NOW, not in a week, month, or a year.
Anything worth having is worth working for and towards. That is a painful but accurate statement. Once we have achieved our goal and put in the work, we appreciate what we have accomplished 10 times more. My schooling is a perfect example of this, I know that my job for the past 3 years and my student teaching are what will mold me into a new teacher. Experience and dedication will help me become a great one. Not sitting through some boring lesson on Vygotsky's cognitive development theory or the invention of the text book. I understand it is what needs to be done though so I am doing it. Once I am in my own classroom, I will take a deep breath and understand what all the hard work was for.
Back to the recovery thing, we make things too difficult. Some more than others and some waaaaay more than others. Recovery is easy, the process takes work but it is worth it. It is not as if we are sitting in the meetings trying to split an atom with tweezers and a plastic fork. Follow the suggestions, put the work in, and you will be amazed how much growth you will obtain. Goes for anything and anyone on this planet really.
We are the oil and recovery is the water, it is clear what needs to be done but some just want to make poor decisions and float on the top as opposed to getting involved and working on themselves.
There have been times in my recovery that I have gotten done sharing in a meeting and thought to myself "man that was a good share" or thought someone else's' was on point. Last night during someone speaking this feeling came over me, I thought I would share it with you people.....(he said you people) (what did he mean by you people???) :) Anywhooooo, I figured out the difficulties that people have with the program and following the previously mentioned suggestions. You may want to sit down for this one, I will wait.................................................. We as humans/addicts tend to make EVERYTHING in our life more difficult than they need to be. We take a simple task like brushing our teeth and turning it into a complete bathroom organization process. The task isn't complete until we have done everything else in addition to that task. You have all heard the saying "make a mountain out of a molehill" well that is an addict to a T.
We focus on one thing and try our hardest to keep it simple, this never happens though. We tend to take longer than need be on things that shouldn't take anytime at all, this is because we love to procrastinate or distract ourselves. We distract ourselves from ourselves, working on ourselves, or growing for ourselves. Recovery is a process and that process is a life long adventure, we like things our way and our way is NOW, not in a week, month, or a year.
Anything worth having is worth working for and towards. That is a painful but accurate statement. Once we have achieved our goal and put in the work, we appreciate what we have accomplished 10 times more. My schooling is a perfect example of this, I know that my job for the past 3 years and my student teaching are what will mold me into a new teacher. Experience and dedication will help me become a great one. Not sitting through some boring lesson on Vygotsky's cognitive development theory or the invention of the text book. I understand it is what needs to be done though so I am doing it. Once I am in my own classroom, I will take a deep breath and understand what all the hard work was for.
Back to the recovery thing, we make things too difficult. Some more than others and some waaaaay more than others. Recovery is easy, the process takes work but it is worth it. It is not as if we are sitting in the meetings trying to split an atom with tweezers and a plastic fork. Follow the suggestions, put the work in, and you will be amazed how much growth you will obtain. Goes for anything and anyone on this planet really.
We are the oil and recovery is the water, it is clear what needs to be done but some just want to make poor decisions and float on the top as opposed to getting involved and working on themselves.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
The Path
A relationship with yourself will trump any other kind of relationship you can have. I can't speak as a parent, because I do not have children. I am sure the one you share with your kiddo is an amazing one. Maybe if its in the cards and my Higher Powers' will I will be able to speak on it some day. Now all I can do is speak to what I know. The past few months it has been a journey, a journey to get back to me. Now to those who have been following my blog you have read all about it. If you haven't that is ok too. The people that are supposed to follow and read have been. If this is your first read, welcome to my world. :)
The journey over the last two months has been a great one for me. Not all of it have been unicorns pooping rainbows. I have made some mistakes and hurt some people along the way. I mess up like most people and for that I am truly sorry. I have, however learned from it though. There have been some tough times and some painful lessons learned, all have been timely and necessary though. I have talked about many things that I have learned over the past 4 years and the growth that has been achieved.
Learning about and developing a relationship with yourself is an ongoing process that I am not sure I will ever complete. Its a daily process, seeing how you respond or react to situations that you come across. This is an interesting reflection at the end of the day, like the saying "hindsight is 20/20". I understand I have a LONG way to go to achieving oneness and being balanced. I am stretched thin between, work, school, training, recovery, and being there for my friends and family. I am working on it. Progress not perfection is what I have learned in the program.
Most of my posts are late at night, I think it is my reflection time as is for most people. Looking back on the days events and the lessons we have learned or not learned. Many times I am ok with my days work, others I am saying to myself, "well today didn't pan out the way I thought it would". That's ok though, I believe that things happen as they should. I believe that it is not our job to know why things worked out that way but it is our job to learn from them. Life is full of opportunities to learn and grow it is our decision whether we take advantage of these situations.
For the first time in a long time I am ok being alone, I am ok with working on myself for myself. I have some amazing friends, some new and some old, my support system is unrivaled (my humble and completely biased opinion of course) I am on a path and I know that my Higher Power will put in my life only what I am ready for. I know he will put the people in my life that I can handle. I have faith in him and what he provides, he has allowed me to achieve much and learn even more over the 4+ years of my recovery. I am enjoying learning about life and myself.
As always friends, it is an honor to be able to share my thoughts, lessons learned, and my overall love of writing with you. I hope you have been touched or learned something from any of my entries on this blog. If not, that is ok to people are going to get out of reading this EXACTLY what they are supposed to.
I hope your week ahead is successful beyond your expectations and you touch/inspire someone along the way.
Thanks for reading
Z
The journey over the last two months has been a great one for me. Not all of it have been unicorns pooping rainbows. I have made some mistakes and hurt some people along the way. I mess up like most people and for that I am truly sorry. I have, however learned from it though. There have been some tough times and some painful lessons learned, all have been timely and necessary though. I have talked about many things that I have learned over the past 4 years and the growth that has been achieved.
Learning about and developing a relationship with yourself is an ongoing process that I am not sure I will ever complete. Its a daily process, seeing how you respond or react to situations that you come across. This is an interesting reflection at the end of the day, like the saying "hindsight is 20/20". I understand I have a LONG way to go to achieving oneness and being balanced. I am stretched thin between, work, school, training, recovery, and being there for my friends and family. I am working on it. Progress not perfection is what I have learned in the program.
Most of my posts are late at night, I think it is my reflection time as is for most people. Looking back on the days events and the lessons we have learned or not learned. Many times I am ok with my days work, others I am saying to myself, "well today didn't pan out the way I thought it would". That's ok though, I believe that things happen as they should. I believe that it is not our job to know why things worked out that way but it is our job to learn from them. Life is full of opportunities to learn and grow it is our decision whether we take advantage of these situations.
For the first time in a long time I am ok being alone, I am ok with working on myself for myself. I have some amazing friends, some new and some old, my support system is unrivaled (my humble and completely biased opinion of course) I am on a path and I know that my Higher Power will put in my life only what I am ready for. I know he will put the people in my life that I can handle. I have faith in him and what he provides, he has allowed me to achieve much and learn even more over the 4+ years of my recovery. I am enjoying learning about life and myself.
As always friends, it is an honor to be able to share my thoughts, lessons learned, and my overall love of writing with you. I hope you have been touched or learned something from any of my entries on this blog. If not, that is ok to people are going to get out of reading this EXACTLY what they are supposed to.
I hope your week ahead is successful beyond your expectations and you touch/inspire someone along the way.
Thanks for reading
Z
Sunday, October 6, 2013
A bit of my strory
My name is Zach and I am an addict in long term recovery. What does that mean, well stay with me and I will do my best to tell ya. Recovery is an ongoing process that involves me being objective towards myself and others. I have to work on myself everyday to make myself better than I was the day before. Some days are easier than others and some days are more productive than others. That is life though give and take, good with that bad.
4 years ago I was fresh out of treatment with a mountain of debt, a car that didn't work, a license that was suspended, and insurance that hadn't been paid in years. I definitely had a long uphill battle to becoming a productive member of society. I didn't think I would ever get to that place, I didn't know what adversity and challenges awaited me either. It took a lot of fighting myself and what my father suggested that I do to get things organized and laid out. I didn't want to do it because I didn't want to see what all I had to do. Just like you don't know how far off the ground you are until you look down....... Well I did and I was amazed at the wreckage I had caused, I think I was even more amazed at what my expectations were.
I got a few jobs thanks to some close friends and started to stack my chips (that's Ebonics for collect my funds) I tracked everything I made and everything I spent. This took time, time I didn't think I had or patience I knew I didn't have. I developed the patience to understand that this wasn't going to be fixed in a day or a week. I continued to work my ace off and finally had enough money to start negotiating with these creditors. I was amazed at the negotiating power I actually had because I had money and was able to pay them right then. The process of connecting the dots, contacting them, and making checks out to them felt dirty to me. I had no one to blame but myself though. I finally got all my debt paid and then I had to get proof of payment to get it to the 3 credit agencies, that was a pain as well, but a means to an end. The finish line was in sight.
I had to put myself on a strict budget and have been able to stay on it for the entire time I have been clean, it hasn't been easy because if you know me, 'your boy likes to shop' but it has to be done, my life demands structure and routine. If I don't have it, I leave a path of destruction in my wake. I do it from time to time when I put my will in front of my HP's will. I am a control freak and lack patience sometimes and it ALWAYS bites me in the ass.
I lost both of my grandmas in 2010 with less than a year clean. I was thrown off a bit, but knew that there was no amount of tears or drugs that were going to bring them back. It was my first time in my new life that I had to deal with loss. It was the first test of my foundation. Also the first time that I can remember that I was completely out of control of that situation. My HP works in mysterious ways, truth be told both of these lovely woman (Shirley and Miriam) lived long and great lives. It was their time to leave this earth in the physical sense and I am grateful for the time I got to spend with them. They both died knowing that their grandson was clean and I will not tarnish or disrespect their last memory of me by getting loaded ever again.
I try to right in every situation but I fail miserably sometimes, last weekend was a prime example of me not thinking things through. Difference between reacting and responding, also a difference in being an asshole and doing the right thing. Unfortunately I didn't choose the ladder. I learn from my mistakes and pray I do not repeat them.
For the last month I have focused on one thing and one thing alone, me. Getting back to my healthy place and it has been an amazing journey. I haven't always done the right thing but I know that everything I have done has happened for a reason. Things happen as they should and there is a lesson to be learned in it all. People come in and leave our lives at the right time too. It is not our job to question why, it is our job to try to understand how the man upstairs is trying to teach us something. Hopefully we are not too busy to listen or learn.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Steps.....
Most of my post are about how great things are in my life or what I have learned from my past 4 years of being in recovery.
I am currently working on step 6 of my 12 and it happens to be about defects of character. This one is by far the hardest one I have done yet, I was warned about it too. But in typical Zach fashion I was convinced, I got this. Well no, no I don't. This weekend was one of those that I am sitting here Sunday scratching my head wondering have I really grown much at all? I have learned in the program that they aren't old behaviors if they are still being repeated in your life.
This entire time I have been doing this step I have had in the back of my head 'you should be further along in your growth then you are'. Well I am right, I know people grow and learn at different paces but I know that I am still letting my defects of character run my life and it kind of blows. This weekend I had the rare ability to hurt people. Not a something I am proud of, but in the spirit of keeping myself accountable and honest....I'm putting it out there. I was dishonest, my insecurities and defects had there way with me this weekend and I am not going to get flowers or a phone call tomorrow. I "effed" up and I hurt two wonderful people, which makes me realize as I am sitting here reflecting on the weekend....maybe I am not as far along on myself as I should be.
I want to sit here and try to justify what happened and play the victim (cuz I am REALLY good at that) but truth be told, I was the one that fucked up. I am going to have to live with the blow back and repercussions of my actions. It sucks but I made this mess I have to deal with it. I wanted to share it with you guys because, although I like to sit on my soapbox and tell everyone all the good I am doing.......I still mess up, I still hurt people, and I still have A LOT of work to do on myself.
As always I appreciate you support and love.
It is time to get back to my step 6, g'night and happy Sunday!
I am currently working on step 6 of my 12 and it happens to be about defects of character. This one is by far the hardest one I have done yet, I was warned about it too. But in typical Zach fashion I was convinced, I got this. Well no, no I don't. This weekend was one of those that I am sitting here Sunday scratching my head wondering have I really grown much at all? I have learned in the program that they aren't old behaviors if they are still being repeated in your life.
This entire time I have been doing this step I have had in the back of my head 'you should be further along in your growth then you are'. Well I am right, I know people grow and learn at different paces but I know that I am still letting my defects of character run my life and it kind of blows. This weekend I had the rare ability to hurt people. Not a something I am proud of, but in the spirit of keeping myself accountable and honest....I'm putting it out there. I was dishonest, my insecurities and defects had there way with me this weekend and I am not going to get flowers or a phone call tomorrow. I "effed" up and I hurt two wonderful people, which makes me realize as I am sitting here reflecting on the weekend....maybe I am not as far along on myself as I should be.
I want to sit here and try to justify what happened and play the victim (cuz I am REALLY good at that) but truth be told, I was the one that fucked up. I am going to have to live with the blow back and repercussions of my actions. It sucks but I made this mess I have to deal with it. I wanted to share it with you guys because, although I like to sit on my soapbox and tell everyone all the good I am doing.......I still mess up, I still hurt people, and I still have A LOT of work to do on myself.
As always I appreciate you support and love.
It is time to get back to my step 6, g'night and happy Sunday!
Realization
Why as humans when we have options do we pick the ones that are the least healthy for us? Why do we refuse to listen to that little voice inside our head saying "don't do that or don't go down that path!!!"? I think it is human nature to do what we feel or know is wrong hoping that the outcome will be different than what know will happen. Maybe it is that eternal optimism that we have. It makes me wonder what would happen if the first time we heard that voice to run the opposite direction we actually did. Probably would save the us frustration and heart ache.
We all learn at different paces, sometimes I think that people are ok without learning at all. There is a take away from everything we do. Sometimes it is not apparent and we have to think about it for a bit. Lessons that are learned quickly and swiftly are usually not the important or meaningful ones. The painful and treacherous ones are the ones that we learn from and keep with us forever, or at least should.
I wrote about this last week at some point but wanted to touch on it again. At this point in my life I have more going on than I ever have and its not going to slow down anytime soon. Between my schooling, my job, coaching, training, and investing in my personal growth I have very little free time. I am ok with that, but if I am going to do something during those free moments I think it should enhance my life or at the very least, put a smile on my face. I have recently talked to some people from my past and my mind has been opened up to some great thought process and lessons to be learned.
No one likes to be criticized or felt like they are not good enough, so why do we put ourselves or stay in situations that do that. It all comes back to the misery loves company outlook. How silly is that, we stay in relationships/situations that are no good for us, do not allow us to grow, or are just plain toxic. Yet we remain in the game for as long as we can. Its kind of like breaking you leg in the first quarter of a football game and playing until the end because you wanted to see if it would get better.
I guess the "take away" from all of this is, if someone or something doesn't contribute to your happiness or growth why keep it around? To see if it will get better? It wasn't a good fit from the beginning so why do we try to fool ourselves?
As always I appreciate the support and love! Peace and blessings to all!
We all learn at different paces, sometimes I think that people are ok without learning at all. There is a take away from everything we do. Sometimes it is not apparent and we have to think about it for a bit. Lessons that are learned quickly and swiftly are usually not the important or meaningful ones. The painful and treacherous ones are the ones that we learn from and keep with us forever, or at least should.
I wrote about this last week at some point but wanted to touch on it again. At this point in my life I have more going on than I ever have and its not going to slow down anytime soon. Between my schooling, my job, coaching, training, and investing in my personal growth I have very little free time. I am ok with that, but if I am going to do something during those free moments I think it should enhance my life or at the very least, put a smile on my face. I have recently talked to some people from my past and my mind has been opened up to some great thought process and lessons to be learned.
No one likes to be criticized or felt like they are not good enough, so why do we put ourselves or stay in situations that do that. It all comes back to the misery loves company outlook. How silly is that, we stay in relationships/situations that are no good for us, do not allow us to grow, or are just plain toxic. Yet we remain in the game for as long as we can. Its kind of like breaking you leg in the first quarter of a football game and playing until the end because you wanted to see if it would get better.
I guess the "take away" from all of this is, if someone or something doesn't contribute to your happiness or growth why keep it around? To see if it will get better? It wasn't a good fit from the beginning so why do we try to fool ourselves?
As always I appreciate the support and love! Peace and blessings to all!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Education
Do you know what you were put on this earth to do with your life?
About 3 1/2 years ago I figured it out while I was at a track meet. I was standing on the High Jump pit watching one of my jumpers that had never jumped before take a top 5 finish. He came up to me with a gloss in his eyes that words can not do justice. He said to me "thank you for all you have taught me", at that moment this warmth came over me and I knew. I was put on this earth to positively influence others. Teaching, coaching, sponsoring, or whatever other word you want to replace those with. I am now sitting about a year away from my student teaching part of my degree and it feels good.
I have had one of those weeks that to sum up in a word would be impossible but I will try, Inspirational, I have been around some amazing teachers while working at my new school this year and the previous two at my old one. I am seeing the passion they have for their job, and it is energizing and extremely motivating to me. I am so ready to have my own class, (I say this now) correct papers, and instruct the kiddos at the school I work at. Now, what I do now is still educating but on a different level. I have had the privilege of working with some amazing people in my short 3 year stent as an educator and have been very fortunate to have their knowledge and guidance along the way.
I am finally seeing brightness in my life after a dismal and dark period of time. Through this blog and getting back to investing in myself as opposed to others has made me feel content for the first time in quite some time. I recently had to do something that I didn't want to do but had to, I stepped down as a conditioning coach for our cross country team. (I am still going to be coaching High Jump!!!!) I needed to free up some time for my studies. Sometimes we need to sacrifice our wants to pursue our dreams. I know that I could have continued to be there each day and been just fine, but its time to buckle down and get this done. I have 25 credits to do this term and they are not going to be easy ones at all. Need vs. wants, this is something I need to do for myself and the my future. I am ok with that.
I am becoming ok with a lot of things in my life and it feels good, I am in a good place right now just being me. I am on a challenging but super rewarding path right that presents new hurdles daily. Bring it on, for the first time in a long time I am ready to face what is in front of me and excel. I have had a giant success this first year at WGU and am going to continue to do this for one reason.... It needs to be done to get to where I need to be!
A big thank you to all the educators that I have come across in the past 3 years for giving me some insight. Thank you for giving me guidance, knowledge, and making 100% sure that I was put on this earth to become a fantastic and caring teacher!!!!
Z
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