Steps.....

Most of my post are about how great things are in my life or what I have learned from my past 4 years of being in recovery.

I am currently working on step 6 of my 12 and it happens to be about defects of character. This one is by far the hardest one I have done yet, I was warned about it too. But in typical Zach fashion I was convinced, I got this. Well no, no I don't. This weekend was one of those that I am sitting here Sunday scratching my head wondering have I really grown much at all? I have learned in the program that they aren't old behaviors if they are still being repeated in your life.

This entire time I have been doing this step I have had in the back of my head 'you should be further along in your growth then you are'. Well I am right, I know people grow and learn at different paces but I know that I am still letting my defects of character run my life and it kind of blows. This weekend I had the rare ability to hurt people. Not a something I am proud of, but in the spirit of keeping myself accountable and honest....I'm putting it out there. I was dishonest,  my insecurities and defects had there way with me this weekend and I am not going to get flowers or a phone call tomorrow.  I "effed" up and I hurt two wonderful people, which makes me realize as I am sitting here reflecting on the weekend....maybe I am not as far along on myself as I should be.

I want to sit here and try to justify what happened and play the victim (cuz I am REALLY good at that) but truth be told, I was the one that fucked up. I am going to have to live with the blow back and repercussions of my actions. It sucks but I made this mess I have to deal with it. I wanted to share it with you guys because, although I like to sit on my soapbox and tell everyone all the good I am doing.......I still mess up, I still hurt people, and I still have A LOT of work to do on myself.

As always I appreciate you support and love.

It is time to get back to my step 6, g'night and happy Sunday!

Realization

Why as humans when we have options do we pick the ones that are the least healthy for us? Why do we refuse to listen to that little voice inside our head saying "don't do that or don't go down that path!!!"? I think it is human nature to do what we feel or know is wrong hoping that the outcome will be different than what know will happen. Maybe it is that eternal optimism that we have. It makes me wonder what would happen if the first time we heard that voice to run the opposite direction we actually did. Probably would save the us frustration and heart ache.

We all learn at different paces, sometimes I think that people are ok without learning at all. There is a take away from everything we do. Sometimes it is not apparent and we have to think about it for a bit. Lessons that are learned quickly and swiftly are usually not the important or meaningful ones. The painful and treacherous ones are the ones that we learn from and keep with us forever, or at least should.

I wrote about this last week at some point but wanted to touch on it again. At this point in my life I have more going on than I ever have and its not going to slow down anytime soon. Between my schooling, my job, coaching, training, and investing in my personal growth I have very little free time. I am ok with that, but if I am going to do something during those free moments I think it should enhance my life or at the very least, put a smile on my face. I have recently talked to some people from my past and my mind has been opened up to some great thought process and lessons to be learned.

No one likes to be criticized or felt like they are not good enough, so why do we put ourselves or stay in situations that do that. It all comes back to the misery loves company outlook. How silly is that, we stay in relationships/situations that are no good for us, do not allow us to grow, or are just plain toxic. Yet we remain in the game for as long as we can. Its kind of like breaking you leg in the first quarter of a football game and playing until the end because you wanted to see if it would get better.

I guess the "take away" from all of this is, if someone or something doesn't contribute to your happiness or growth why keep it around? To see if it will get better? It wasn't a good fit from the beginning so why do we try to fool ourselves?

As always I appreciate the support and love! Peace and blessings to all!

Education

Do you know what you were put on this earth to do with your life?

About 3 1/2 years ago I figured it out while I was at a track meet. I was standing on the High Jump pit watching one of my jumpers that had never jumped before take a top 5 finish. He came up to me with a gloss in his eyes that words can not do justice. He said to me "thank you for all you have taught me", at that moment this warmth came over me and I knew. I was put on this earth to positively influence others. Teaching, coaching, sponsoring, or whatever other word you want to replace those with. I am now sitting about a year away from my student teaching part of my degree and it feels good.

I have had one of those weeks that to sum up in a word would be impossible but I will try, Inspirational, I have been around some amazing teachers while working at my new school this year and the previous two at my old one. I am seeing the passion they have for their job, and it is energizing and extremely motivating to me. I am so ready to have my own class, (I say this now) correct papers, and instruct the kiddos at the school I work at. Now, what I do now is still educating but on a different level. I have had the privilege of working with some amazing people in my short 3 year stent as an educator and have been very fortunate to have their knowledge and guidance along the way.

I am finally seeing brightness in my life after a dismal and dark period of time. Through this blog and getting back to investing in myself as opposed to others has made me feel content for the first time in quite some time. I recently had to do something that I didn't want to do but had to, I stepped down as a conditioning coach for our cross country team. (I am still going to be coaching High Jump!!!!) I needed to free up some time for my studies. Sometimes we need to sacrifice our wants to pursue our dreams. I know that I could have continued to be there each day and been just fine, but its time to buckle down and get this done. I have 25 credits to do this term and they are not going to be easy ones at all. Need vs. wants, this is something I need to do for myself and the my future. I am ok with that.

I am becoming ok with a lot of things in my life and it feels good, I am in a good place right now just being me. I am on a challenging but super rewarding path right that presents new hurdles daily. Bring it on, for the first time in a long time I am ready to face what is in front of me and excel. I have had a giant success this first year at WGU and am going to continue to do this for one reason.... It needs to be done to get to where I need to be!

A big thank you to  all the educators that I have come across in the past 3 years for giving me some insight. Thank you for giving me guidance, knowledge, and making 100% sure that I was put on this earth to become a fantastic and caring teacher!!!!

Z

Clarity

For a little over a month know I have been on a mission for clarity. Clarity about me, my journey, and my disease of addiction. This disease manifests itself in ways that can not be described in words to most people. I have learned a ton about myself and it has been a enlightening journey. I am coming to realize something that I need to stick to, if there is a person or situation that is not contributing to the health or well being of your life.....cut them out. I have spent too long being around people that don't contribute to anything, high maintenance, or just plain bat shit crazy. That is fine if they are, but I chooooooose not to have them around. People that think they are doing me a favor by hanging out. That mentality is almost comical to me now that I typed it out.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything - George Bernard Shaw.

Change and growth have been my theme this past month. I realized why I was unhappy and made decisions to put change in process. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you it has been all rainbows and cupcakes because it hasn't. That would be lying and I am trying to be extremely honest on here and my life in general. Spiritually, mentally, physically, I am at my best I have been in 10 years maybe ever. Emotionally it has been a battle, the battle is with my disease. That is ok though, what is happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening and I am ok with that. I hate to be alone and being in relationships have made me feel safe. Healthy or not it has been my M.O. for the past 4 years. This has not been a healthy or helpful one for me or my growth as a person. No one should ever define who you are or who you are trying to become. Like I mentioned previously, if there is someone in your life that is not helping with your overall wellbeing....cut them out. Easier said than done for me in the past, I like to not look at the writing on the walls or not listen to my support group. I like to see things as they aren't or play the "what if game" always a HUGE waste of time for me.

Unrealistic expectations is another one of those defects of character that keep popping up in my life (to my recovery friends that read this, its on my 6th step...progress not perfection), when you put expectations on anyone or anything, prepare yourself for a huge disappointment. I wish I could tell you that I no longer do that. Falsehood of the post, I do it still with almost everyone and everything around me. It sucks but I am learning that when I do it, I have already taken myself out of the game.

Working out has been a huge blessing this past month. I have been working my ass off and am starting to see and feel changes. I have dropped 15 pounds, not because I have been depressed and not eating, that would be stupid. I work hard each day to be better than I was yesterday. It is a choice, just like not using drugs or eating cupcakes at 11pm. Choices take commitment and follow through to stick to them. Recently my head boxing trainer asked if I wanted to fight in October when we clash against another team. I told him "hell yes" but only if he thought I was ready. In my mind I will never be ready, that is my disease telling me I am not good enough. He said that I was and he wanted to see me fight. This is a scary thought for me but I am always up for a challenge. More shall be revealed in the coming posts.

All in all life is good, I am realizing that right now at this point in my life that I am not interested in having people around me that drain my energy or passion for life. Something I have had in my brain for, well about 2 months. Just now being able to put it into words, part of the process I spose.

As always I am honored that you took time to read my blog and hope you will continue to do so. Love, peace, health, and blessings to all!

Z

Growing Pains

After talking to a very close friend last night, it was pointed out that there was a lot of pain behind my post. Well I can't disagree or dismiss what was said. I know it came from an honest and real place so I will take it as it is. Sometimes in life we are faced with a difficult situation that we don't want to accept or even deal with. This is life, it doesn't always work the way we want it to. It does however, always work out the way it should. Some things we need more understanding on, some things we step over and move forward.

As I have said before, I truly believe that things happen for a reason and exactly how they should. People come in and out of our lives when they should. I believe that things are to be looked at as learning experiences. Some, as mentioned in last nights post are more painful than others. Tis life...... I read this quote on the good ole' FB today thought it was pretty good,  so I thought I would share it with you guys.

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose." -Wayne Dyer
 
I like this quote a lot, seems to be pretty fitting to some lessons that have been learned lately. Some lessons that had been learned and then forgotten or brushed under the carpet so I wouldn't think about it. I think it is important to learn from mistakes or unhealthy behaviors. I have been told in my life that someone will suffer until they are ready to be done with it. I like to say the smart people learn from their mistakes and the lucky ones learn from others mistakes. I seem to be neither sometimes and it always seems to end me up in the same situation. I always tell myself, (and how many of you are with me) "next time will be different" HAHAHA

When we as human being see something we want, like, or even love we put blinders on and only focus on that one thing. It's as if that is the only thing that matters in the world. We forget what is important, we do not listen to our friends and family who are telling us things we don't want to hear,or showing us the writing on the walls. We tell ourselves that things aren't as they seem or manipulate our thought process to come out to benefit our hearts. Never a good way to go...........results may vary but usually don't.

In the process of healing I think it is of the upmost importance to take all of that effort lost/wasted and put it back into yourself. It is the only thing that will make sense to you, so do it and let nothing come in between you and your inner peace. One last quote and then it is off to celebrate the final I just passed!

"If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else" Marvin Gaye

As always guys, thank you for the support and taking time out of your life to read about mine! Love, Peace, and Blessings.

4 years clean

I thought in lieu of my recent anniversary I would put some things down that I have learned over the past 4 years. ***Warning*** there will be a lot of "I have learned" statements in this blog. This journey of mine has been one big learning experience for me and I want to put it down on paper (or the internet)

I have learned a lot about myself and the disease of addition in the past 4 years. There is no mistaking me for a normal person, I am an addict through and through. I have learned that it is best to respond to a situation than react to one. I have learned that reading into any situation is never a good thing to do, by the time you are done, there has been a nuclear war and you are 410 years old. Take things for what they are and do not read into them, if you have a question about something, ask.

I have learned that physical activity is just about the best way to clear my mind that I can think of. When I am running, boxing, or lifting I am able to be at peace, if only for a few minutes. It is usually the mind readjustment I need. When I run I can solve the worlds problems in my head. It is as if nothing else really matters in the world at that time and point. I have learned that when a girl says she doesn't know what she wants it means she does, and that you are not it. I have painfully learned that it is important to keep yourself first and at the top of your priority list. If you lose yourself in any relationship you are going to be lost with or without it.

If we do not invest in the things that we need to do daily to maintain ourselves,  we are done for. I have learned that some distractions are better and more healthy than others. Distractions keep our mind from functioning properly and sometimes that is ok. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in a thought process or an emotion that we do not see the writing on the wall or believe what is actually happening. I know that family and close friends only want one thing from you, your happiness. Listen to them when they tell you to do something that you don't agree with because they are seeing things from an outside prospective.

I have learned that walls built up too high are detrimental to you opening your heart. I know that I need to have some walls around mine, I love too easily and this repeated mistake has left me heartbroken more times then I would like to admit. That is ok today, I learn from my mistakes and do my best not to repeat them. Some lessons are harder and more painful to learn than others. I have learned that it is ok to hurt, it is ok to cry, and it is ok to ask for help. I have learned that putting expectations on other people is the worst thing you can do to yourself. All it causes are resentments and let downs. Knowing this I still do it though and expect a different result each time. Here is when my readers say to themselves, you are insane........I am I know it. I am working on it though.

I have learned that dating a single mother is tough! Their independence and being used to doing it all on their own is a very admirable trait! It is difficult to get past that walls and obstacles they have in place for their protection. I have learned that it is difficult to get attached to their kids and then not be able to see them anymore. They keep growing but you are not their to see it.

All these lessons I have learned have been good for me to learn, some have been painful, some have been fun, some I am still learning. I have learned that I need to remain teachable and keep an open mind about just about everything as long as it doesn't cross my boundary in recovery. I have learned that family and close friends are always going to be there for you if you are there for them. I would not be here today without my support group. I am thankful I have had the opportunity to learn the things I have over the past 4 years of being clean and excited to see what I will learn the next 4 years.

As always thank you for your continued support......

Brandon, 3 words __________ ________ ________!!!

Vulnerability

I was chatting with a close friend last night and started to think, are we too vulnerable or not vulnerable enough? Is that even a fair question to ask? This is a question I have thought about lately and I don't know that I could give you a straight answer. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve in relationships, it hasn't worked out too well for me. There are always exceptions to this though.

I think that we need to have a bit of a wall up in relationships at the beginning, whether it be with friends or partners. A wall to protect us from that hurt that all of us have experienced in the past. The more and deeper you have been hurt, I think the bigger and stronger the wall is. But if we have our walls so high and so strong is there ever going to be a chance to get through it? In relationships most of us are trying to put our best foot forward and looks as appealing to the other as possible. The honeymoon phase ends and our character defects come through, some are small some are HUGE. At that point we ask ourselves, can I still love or be with this person? Am I even ready to go further in this relationship? Are the issues really that big?

When we are in a relationship or in love we tend to look past a lot of things because we are blinded by love or the outlook of the future. If you are anything like me and my addict brain, I have already planned the marriage, the divorce, and the separation of goods after the first date. As I have learned time and time again this is not a good practice. Some lessons are harder to learn than others for sure. It is important to live in the here and now, to accept the fact that we can not predict the future (or at least I can't) so why try to plan it? Oooooh I like that last line, wish I could learn to live it. :) Things I have learned and not applied to myself....I could fill the entire blog with this list.

Recently I made a commitment to get back to myself and what keeps me healthy. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually all three need to be in balance for me to be in a good place. Doing this recently (for the past month) has really put things in perspective for me, also turned my mind to a happier and healthier place. Daily maintenance isn't the answer to the vulnerability question, but it does strengthen ourselves I think.

Not sure if I have adequately answered the question I mentioned up top but it has gotten clearer to me. There is a fine line in this situation, a good balance between being guarded and vulnerable. If you are comfortable with yourself and are healthy I think it is easier to be in a relationship and have a productive one. If not well it is best to work on yourself before you get into or back into one. If you cant be good to or for yourself, you cant be good to anyone else!

As always, thank you for reading and supporting me in this journey. Peace and blessings to you!