Pictures I took 11.29.14

Motivators

So I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days. What motivates us to change; fear, hurt, anger? What causes us to stay where we are; contentment, love, not knowing any better?

These questions have been rolling around my head for a bit and I thought I would share. I do not have all of the answers, just a few that came to my mind. I have learned in the program we will go through something and hurt until we are done. We will change things when we feel miserable enough to do so. I think pride and ego play a large part in our willingness to change or stay where we are. Is the pain enough to do something about it or are we good where we are?

In relationships most people decide on what flaws are acceptable and what flaws aren't. We then proceed to see if those flaws are something we can live with. If not, our brains tell us to move on, our hearts tell us a different story though. Our hearts tend to cast shade on the things we don't want to see or want to admit to ourselves. The two body parts are very rarely in-sync with each other, but I can only speak from my experiences.

Arguments and fighting are another thing that have been on my mind lately. Pride and ego play a huge part in arguments turning into fights. Is this really that big of a deal, or are we making a mountain out of a molehill? We don't want to admit defeat and say I am sorry. It blinds us from the bigger picture. We see what we want to see, not what we are suppose to.

This is why a support circle is so important to our lives. They tell us what we need to hear and show us a different perspective on things. We get so wrapped up in our head and heart that we don't see the clear picture. We are subjective in almost everything we do, we need those outside perspectives to keep it real with us. They tell us their objective views (at least the good ones) and we do what we want with them. Suggestions are just words until they are put into action. I am thankful that I have a strong support group that isn't afraid to tell me what I need to hear. They are able to shine new perspective on things in my life that I choose to not admit or see. If it wasn't for my support group and my outlook on life, I would not be where I am today.


Enjoy your turkey day all, thank you again for the continued reads and support

Changes in thought process

I wanted to write another post/update and clear up some confusion. First of all I want to thank you ALL for the continued support and well wishes in my journey I call life. From the comments on this, Facebook, and through text I have gotten a sense of fear from my family and friends that I am not doing well. This is not true, although I am going through and adjustment in my life (dealing with amends and the loss of a relationship) I am by no means thinking of using or doing harm to myself. I am just procesing through all of this and this blog helps me do that. I made achoice over 5 years ago to never use again. If you are saying in your head right now, "never say never Zach" I want you to ball up your hand into a fist and punch yourself in the throat. I am never going to use again, it began with a choice I made and it was the best decision of my life. I appreciate the concern, yes I am in a weird state of mind right now, but with the program, my support circle, family, and of course my Higher Powers will, I know I will be just fine.

Things happen for a reason, exactly as they should, and exactly when they should. I am aware of this and I firmly believe it. The amends are uncomfortable for me because I am having to deal with some wreckage from my using days. I am thankful that I have a program working in my life where I GET to do that. I have come to the conclusion if the BIG AMENDS to the ex inst accepted or well received when all is said and done, that is OK. I will have done the best I know how to do and that is good enough for me. I know who I am now was not who I was back then, I try to be the best I can be each and everyday. Some days are tougher than others but I try.

As far as the relationship goes, she will always have a place in my heart. I don't believe that we fall out of love with people. She is a great girl and I wish her no ill will, I'm not that type of guy. Things happen and people change. I know that I need to remain focused on my priorities; recovery, school, then everything else. I will continue to work each day to go to bed better and closer to my goals when I woke up.

So in conclusion, I am doing fine, just processing new events in my life. I am going to stay clean no matter what. I love each and everyone of "you people" :) that read and support my blog but more importantly my journey. I will continue to write about this journey because that is what I do. Stay warm and know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel! If I had a microphone, this is how I would end this blog.... 

Adjustments

Last week was one of the more emotional weeks of my recovery. I passed a huge test for school, and an 8month relationship I had, ended. I am currently making my amends to the people I had harmed during my active addiction. All of these things are currently messing with my head and heart. I understand and believe that everything happens as it should, but not usually how we had planned.

For the past 5 years I had been planning on how I was going to make amends to my ex of 6 years (from Bellevue). I would lie if I hadn't thought about that amends almost everyday since I got clean, what I would say, what she would say, and how I would feel when it is over. Now I have an amends, both financially and emotionally that I need to make. The money isn't the hard part, I have that thanks to my recovery and support circle. The emotional part is the part that is throwing me for a loop.

I was under the impression that she would be happy to hear that I was doing well and that she was going to get her money. All forgive right.....wrong, there haven't been any nasty words but I can tell that she isn't thrilled to hear from me. She is apprehensive to trust the words I am saying. I try to live my life well, be honest, and do the next right thing. So I was shocked when she said that. Then I did some reflection and realized that all she knows me as is a liar and a screw up.

All I can do is speak from the heart and be honest, I put her through a lot of pain. If my amends aren't accepted, I can take solace in the fact that I will make an amends so I can move forward.

Well it is back to the single life, time to refocus back on me again. Not that I put anything off during my relationship, just time to readjust. Stay focused on the task at hand, recovery, school, and gym. With track season approaching (yeah its approaching), I will be busier than normal, so it is important to take this time and get stuff done. Don't know that I really had a point to this post, just wanted to get it out of my brain. So there you go.

Keep focused in what you are doing and don't lose sight of your goals, let no one stand in your way of them. Love and blessings to all...... I'm out!

Giving Back

It isn't a secret that doing something for someone else is always a good thing. It allows you to get out of yourself and give back, whether it is at a homeless shelter, a friend, or someone that really needs some help. Through my recovery I have learned that you are spinning your wheels unless they are willing to help themselves.

When I was still trapped in active addiction, my father was here for me to help and guide me through this life changing process. Not until I realized that it was what needed to be done did anything happen. I have based my recovery on helping others and offering suggestions that have worked for me in the past. This doesn't just work in recovery, it is a life skill as well.

Recently I have picked up a few new sponsees in my sponsorship tree. This has truly blown my mind, I am realizing that people are actually looking up to me. I am nothing special, just a guy that made a decision to never use again. Now my disease is telling me that I am not good enough and I don't know enough about this process to help anyone. My ego tells me that I am the greatest recovering addict in the world. I know that BOTH of these are not true. I think the man up stairs is working to put people in my life where both parties can have a mutually beneficial relationship.

I learn from people everyday, I love learning, it enables us to grow and reach new goals. It is when we stop being teachable that we tend to run into problems. Humility goes a long way in recovery, not thinking you know everything and willing to learn more about yourself is key. My father, sponsor, girlfriend, and best friends do a great job of keeping me humble. My ego likes to blow things up and make me think that I am better than I am.

Giving back to people and the program that has changed my life is truly my life's work I believe. I decided a few years back that having a positive influence on the youth, be it through Track and Field (the greatest sport ever) or school was what I was put on this earth to do. Being involved in the service structure for NA has also benefited me greatly. I have learned more about myself  by doing things for other people than anything else before. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride when I am able to help someone other than myself.

So this is my challenge to you, go out and do something for someone else for no other reason than it is the right thing to do. I bet you will have a new sense of accomplishment and a new outlook on life. People need people, we can't do everything alone and shouldn't have to. As always, thank you for the support!!!!