Saturday, November 29, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Motivators
So I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days. What motivates us to change; fear, hurt, anger? What causes us to stay where we are; contentment, love, not knowing any better?
These questions have been rolling around my head for a bit and I thought I would share. I do not have all of the answers, just a few that came to my mind. I have learned in the program we will go through something and hurt until we are done. We will change things when we feel miserable enough to do so. I think pride and ego play a large part in our willingness to change or stay where we are. Is the pain enough to do something about it or are we good where we are?
In relationships most people decide on what flaws are acceptable and what flaws aren't. We then proceed to see if those flaws are something we can live with. If not, our brains tell us to move on, our hearts tell us a different story though. Our hearts tend to cast shade on the things we don't want to see or want to admit to ourselves. The two body parts are very rarely in-sync with each other, but I can only speak from my experiences.
Arguments and fighting are another thing that have been on my mind lately. Pride and ego play a huge part in arguments turning into fights. Is this really that big of a deal, or are we making a mountain out of a molehill? We don't want to admit defeat and say I am sorry. It blinds us from the bigger picture. We see what we want to see, not what we are suppose to.
This is why a support circle is so important to our lives. They tell us what we need to hear and show us a different perspective on things. We get so wrapped up in our head and heart that we don't see the clear picture. We are subjective in almost everything we do, we need those outside perspectives to keep it real with us. They tell us their objective views (at least the good ones) and we do what we want with them. Suggestions are just words until they are put into action. I am thankful that I have a strong support group that isn't afraid to tell me what I need to hear. They are able to shine new perspective on things in my life that I choose to not admit or see. If it wasn't for my support group and my outlook on life, I would not be where I am today.
Enjoy your turkey day all, thank you again for the continued reads and support
These questions have been rolling around my head for a bit and I thought I would share. I do not have all of the answers, just a few that came to my mind. I have learned in the program we will go through something and hurt until we are done. We will change things when we feel miserable enough to do so. I think pride and ego play a large part in our willingness to change or stay where we are. Is the pain enough to do something about it or are we good where we are?
In relationships most people decide on what flaws are acceptable and what flaws aren't. We then proceed to see if those flaws are something we can live with. If not, our brains tell us to move on, our hearts tell us a different story though. Our hearts tend to cast shade on the things we don't want to see or want to admit to ourselves. The two body parts are very rarely in-sync with each other, but I can only speak from my experiences.
Arguments and fighting are another thing that have been on my mind lately. Pride and ego play a huge part in arguments turning into fights. Is this really that big of a deal, or are we making a mountain out of a molehill? We don't want to admit defeat and say I am sorry. It blinds us from the bigger picture. We see what we want to see, not what we are suppose to.
This is why a support circle is so important to our lives. They tell us what we need to hear and show us a different perspective on things. We get so wrapped up in our head and heart that we don't see the clear picture. We are subjective in almost everything we do, we need those outside perspectives to keep it real with us. They tell us their objective views (at least the good ones) and we do what we want with them. Suggestions are just words until they are put into action. I am thankful that I have a strong support group that isn't afraid to tell me what I need to hear. They are able to shine new perspective on things in my life that I choose to not admit or see. If it wasn't for my support group and my outlook on life, I would not be where I am today.
Enjoy your turkey day all, thank you again for the continued reads and support
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Changes in thought process
I wanted to write another post/update and clear up some confusion. First of all I want to thank you ALL for the continued support and well wishes in my journey I call life. From the comments on this, Facebook, and through text I have gotten a sense of fear from my family and friends that I am not doing well. This is not true, although I am going through and adjustment in my life (dealing with amends and the loss of a relationship) I am by no means thinking of using or doing harm to myself. I am just procesing through all of this and this blog helps me do that. I made achoice over 5 years ago to never use again. If you are saying in your head right now, "never say never Zach" I want you to ball up your hand into a fist and punch yourself in the throat. I am never going to use again, it began with a choice I made and it was the best decision of my life. I appreciate the concern, yes I am in a weird state of mind right now, but with the program, my support circle, family, and of course my Higher Powers will, I know I will be just fine.
Things happen for a reason, exactly as they should, and exactly when they should. I am aware of this and I firmly believe it. The amends are uncomfortable for me because I am having to deal with some wreckage from my using days. I am thankful that I have a program working in my life where I GET to do that. I have come to the conclusion if the BIG AMENDS to the ex inst accepted or well received when all is said and done, that is OK. I will have done the best I know how to do and that is good enough for me. I know who I am now was not who I was back then, I try to be the best I can be each and everyday. Some days are tougher than others but I try.
As far as the relationship goes, she will always have a place in my heart. I don't believe that we fall out of love with people. She is a great girl and I wish her no ill will, I'm not that type of guy. Things happen and people change. I know that I need to remain focused on my priorities; recovery, school, then everything else. I will continue to work each day to go to bed better and closer to my goals when I woke up.
So in conclusion, I am doing fine, just processing new events in my life. I am going to stay clean no matter what. I love each and everyone of "you people" :) that read and support my blog but more importantly my journey. I will continue to write about this journey because that is what I do. Stay warm and know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel! If I had a microphone, this is how I would end this blog....
Things happen for a reason, exactly as they should, and exactly when they should. I am aware of this and I firmly believe it. The amends are uncomfortable for me because I am having to deal with some wreckage from my using days. I am thankful that I have a program working in my life where I GET to do that. I have come to the conclusion if the BIG AMENDS to the ex inst accepted or well received when all is said and done, that is OK. I will have done the best I know how to do and that is good enough for me. I know who I am now was not who I was back then, I try to be the best I can be each and everyday. Some days are tougher than others but I try.
As far as the relationship goes, she will always have a place in my heart. I don't believe that we fall out of love with people. She is a great girl and I wish her no ill will, I'm not that type of guy. Things happen and people change. I know that I need to remain focused on my priorities; recovery, school, then everything else. I will continue to work each day to go to bed better and closer to my goals when I woke up.
So in conclusion, I am doing fine, just processing new events in my life. I am going to stay clean no matter what. I love each and everyone of "you people" :) that read and support my blog but more importantly my journey. I will continue to write about this journey because that is what I do. Stay warm and know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel! If I had a microphone, this is how I would end this blog....
Monday, November 17, 2014
Adjustments
Last week was one of the more emotional weeks of my recovery. I passed a huge test for school, and an 8month relationship I had, ended. I am currently making my amends to the people I had harmed during my active addiction. All of these things are currently messing with my head and heart. I understand and believe that everything happens as it should, but not usually how we had planned.
For the past 5 years I had been planning on how I was going to make amends to my ex of 6 years (from Bellevue). I would lie if I hadn't thought about that amends almost everyday since I got clean, what I would say, what she would say, and how I would feel when it is over. Now I have an amends, both financially and emotionally that I need to make. The money isn't the hard part, I have that thanks to my recovery and support circle. The emotional part is the part that is throwing me for a loop.
I was under the impression that she would be happy to hear that I was doing well and that she was going to get her money. All forgive right.....wrong, there haven't been any nasty words but I can tell that she isn't thrilled to hear from me. She is apprehensive to trust the words I am saying. I try to live my life well, be honest, and do the next right thing. So I was shocked when she said that. Then I did some reflection and realized that all she knows me as is a liar and a screw up.
All I can do is speak from the heart and be honest, I put her through a lot of pain. If my amends aren't accepted, I can take solace in the fact that I will make an amends so I can move forward.
Well it is back to the single life, time to refocus back on me again. Not that I put anything off during my relationship, just time to readjust. Stay focused on the task at hand, recovery, school, and gym. With track season approaching (yeah its approaching), I will be busier than normal, so it is important to take this time and get stuff done. Don't know that I really had a point to this post, just wanted to get it out of my brain. So there you go.
Keep focused in what you are doing and don't lose sight of your goals, let no one stand in your way of them. Love and blessings to all...... I'm out!
For the past 5 years I had been planning on how I was going to make amends to my ex of 6 years (from Bellevue). I would lie if I hadn't thought about that amends almost everyday since I got clean, what I would say, what she would say, and how I would feel when it is over. Now I have an amends, both financially and emotionally that I need to make. The money isn't the hard part, I have that thanks to my recovery and support circle. The emotional part is the part that is throwing me for a loop.
I was under the impression that she would be happy to hear that I was doing well and that she was going to get her money. All forgive right.....wrong, there haven't been any nasty words but I can tell that she isn't thrilled to hear from me. She is apprehensive to trust the words I am saying. I try to live my life well, be honest, and do the next right thing. So I was shocked when she said that. Then I did some reflection and realized that all she knows me as is a liar and a screw up.
All I can do is speak from the heart and be honest, I put her through a lot of pain. If my amends aren't accepted, I can take solace in the fact that I will make an amends so I can move forward.
Well it is back to the single life, time to refocus back on me again. Not that I put anything off during my relationship, just time to readjust. Stay focused on the task at hand, recovery, school, and gym. With track season approaching (yeah its approaching), I will be busier than normal, so it is important to take this time and get stuff done. Don't know that I really had a point to this post, just wanted to get it out of my brain. So there you go.
Keep focused in what you are doing and don't lose sight of your goals, let no one stand in your way of them. Love and blessings to all...... I'm out!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Giving Back
It isn't a secret that doing something for someone else is always a good thing. It allows you to get out of yourself and give back, whether it is at a homeless shelter, a friend, or someone that really needs some help. Through my recovery I have learned that you are spinning your wheels unless they are willing to help themselves.
When I was still trapped in active addiction, my father was here for me to help and guide me through this life changing process. Not until I realized that it was what needed to be done did anything happen. I have based my recovery on helping others and offering suggestions that have worked for me in the past. This doesn't just work in recovery, it is a life skill as well.
Recently I have picked up a few new sponsees in my sponsorship tree. This has truly blown my mind, I am realizing that people are actually looking up to me. I am nothing special, just a guy that made a decision to never use again. Now my disease is telling me that I am not good enough and I don't know enough about this process to help anyone. My ego tells me that I am the greatest recovering addict in the world. I know that BOTH of these are not true. I think the man up stairs is working to put people in my life where both parties can have a mutually beneficial relationship.
I learn from people everyday, I love learning, it enables us to grow and reach new goals. It is when we stop being teachable that we tend to run into problems. Humility goes a long way in recovery, not thinking you know everything and willing to learn more about yourself is key. My father, sponsor, girlfriend, and best friends do a great job of keeping me humble. My ego likes to blow things up and make me think that I am better than I am.
Giving back to people and the program that has changed my life is truly my life's work I believe. I decided a few years back that having a positive influence on the youth, be it through Track and Field (the greatest sport ever) or school was what I was put on this earth to do. Being involved in the service structure for NA has also benefited me greatly. I have learned more about myself by doing things for other people than anything else before. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride when I am able to help someone other than myself.
So this is my challenge to you, go out and do something for someone else for no other reason than it is the right thing to do. I bet you will have a new sense of accomplishment and a new outlook on life. People need people, we can't do everything alone and shouldn't have to. As always, thank you for the support!!!!
When I was still trapped in active addiction, my father was here for me to help and guide me through this life changing process. Not until I realized that it was what needed to be done did anything happen. I have based my recovery on helping others and offering suggestions that have worked for me in the past. This doesn't just work in recovery, it is a life skill as well.
Recently I have picked up a few new sponsees in my sponsorship tree. This has truly blown my mind, I am realizing that people are actually looking up to me. I am nothing special, just a guy that made a decision to never use again. Now my disease is telling me that I am not good enough and I don't know enough about this process to help anyone. My ego tells me that I am the greatest recovering addict in the world. I know that BOTH of these are not true. I think the man up stairs is working to put people in my life where both parties can have a mutually beneficial relationship.
I learn from people everyday, I love learning, it enables us to grow and reach new goals. It is when we stop being teachable that we tend to run into problems. Humility goes a long way in recovery, not thinking you know everything and willing to learn more about yourself is key. My father, sponsor, girlfriend, and best friends do a great job of keeping me humble. My ego likes to blow things up and make me think that I am better than I am.
Giving back to people and the program that has changed my life is truly my life's work I believe. I decided a few years back that having a positive influence on the youth, be it through Track and Field (the greatest sport ever) or school was what I was put on this earth to do. Being involved in the service structure for NA has also benefited me greatly. I have learned more about myself by doing things for other people than anything else before. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride when I am able to help someone other than myself.
So this is my challenge to you, go out and do something for someone else for no other reason than it is the right thing to do. I bet you will have a new sense of accomplishment and a new outlook on life. People need people, we can't do everything alone and shouldn't have to. As always, thank you for the support!!!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Trusting the process
I have learned many things over the last almost 5 years of being in recovery. None of which I think is as important as trusting the process. Everything we do has a process, whether it is getting ready for bed or writing a paper for school. Everything has a process, I recently had my confidence restored in this area. Last week was a difficult one for me, I had to say goodbye to a car that I had grown to love and say hello to one I knew well.
Last Monday on the way home from track conditioning, I noticed my oil light came on. (I know what your thinking, "this guy doesn't take care of his car") Wrong I do, I always get my oil changed well before the 3000 miles that is suggested. I keep up on my checkups and do what is necessary to maintain it. So with that in mind I decided to take in the Legacy Tuesday morning because it as making a funny noise while running. I got it to the shop and a few hours later they told me the engine was blown. Forgive my lack of knowledge with engines and pretty much all things car related, but what the shit does blown mean. The lady told me that it would cost $300 to get it diagnosed, 98% of the cars like mine that are having the same problems have an engine that needs to be replaced. After some research on my own I realized that this was a reoccurring problem with my engine. It would cost me $6200 to get a used engine fixed and put in or $12,000 to get a brand new engine. Neither of which was guaranteed that this wouldn't happen again.
Now came the time for me to make a decision, do I fork over a large chunk of moolah to get it fixed or be done with it. Now if you know me well, you know how near and dear that car was to me. I had to make the right decision though. Do I fix and keep the car, in fear of this happening again (it has happened twice already) or do I part ways with my baby?
Now I am in the process of rebuilding my credit. As you can imagine, to say that I didn't do a great job of maintaining payments when I was using would be an understatement. I have paid all my creditors back and with the exception of this car I am debt free. I take care of my financial responsibilities now. I am not at the point that I can walk into a dealership and say I want that car and I want it now. My credit is much better than it was, but not where it needs to be. Also with me working on my teaching degree, I do not have the W-2 to support a car loan by traditional expectations. I got a loan from my dad for the Legacy and after I sold it, I was able to pay him off. I was back at square one though, I had no debt but no car either. So with a little discussion with my folks we decided that I would buy my moms X3 and she was going to get a new car. Worked out well for all parties involved. I had to let go of my baby but got a new ride in the process that may not look as cool as the Legacy, but is waaaaaaay nicer.
I had to have faith in the process, my higher power, and my fathers suggestions. I believe that there is something to be learned in everything we do. I was trying to see the lesson in this and realized that it was a test of my faith in my recovery and the things I have learned since I got clean. Walking through this last week made me realize a few things, my higher power has my best intentions in mind, my father's suggestions are usually 100% spot on, I have a great support circle, and it will ALL work out in the end the way it is supposed to be.
So I guess what I am trying to convey in this post is, if you are struggling with something in your life.....trust the process and have faith that everything will turn out as it should. It may not work out the way you want it to and never works out the way you plan, but it will all work out as it should. Keep the faith my friends, it all works out as it should!
As always thank you for the continued support and the love!
Last Monday on the way home from track conditioning, I noticed my oil light came on. (I know what your thinking, "this guy doesn't take care of his car") Wrong I do, I always get my oil changed well before the 3000 miles that is suggested. I keep up on my checkups and do what is necessary to maintain it. So with that in mind I decided to take in the Legacy Tuesday morning because it as making a funny noise while running. I got it to the shop and a few hours later they told me the engine was blown. Forgive my lack of knowledge with engines and pretty much all things car related, but what the shit does blown mean. The lady told me that it would cost $300 to get it diagnosed, 98% of the cars like mine that are having the same problems have an engine that needs to be replaced. After some research on my own I realized that this was a reoccurring problem with my engine. It would cost me $6200 to get a used engine fixed and put in or $12,000 to get a brand new engine. Neither of which was guaranteed that this wouldn't happen again.
Now came the time for me to make a decision, do I fork over a large chunk of moolah to get it fixed or be done with it. Now if you know me well, you know how near and dear that car was to me. I had to make the right decision though. Do I fix and keep the car, in fear of this happening again (it has happened twice already) or do I part ways with my baby?
Now I am in the process of rebuilding my credit. As you can imagine, to say that I didn't do a great job of maintaining payments when I was using would be an understatement. I have paid all my creditors back and with the exception of this car I am debt free. I take care of my financial responsibilities now. I am not at the point that I can walk into a dealership and say I want that car and I want it now. My credit is much better than it was, but not where it needs to be. Also with me working on my teaching degree, I do not have the W-2 to support a car loan by traditional expectations. I got a loan from my dad for the Legacy and after I sold it, I was able to pay him off. I was back at square one though, I had no debt but no car either. So with a little discussion with my folks we decided that I would buy my moms X3 and she was going to get a new car. Worked out well for all parties involved. I had to let go of my baby but got a new ride in the process that may not look as cool as the Legacy, but is waaaaaaay nicer.
I had to have faith in the process, my higher power, and my fathers suggestions. I believe that there is something to be learned in everything we do. I was trying to see the lesson in this and realized that it was a test of my faith in my recovery and the things I have learned since I got clean. Walking through this last week made me realize a few things, my higher power has my best intentions in mind, my father's suggestions are usually 100% spot on, I have a great support circle, and it will ALL work out in the end the way it is supposed to be.
So I guess what I am trying to convey in this post is, if you are struggling with something in your life.....trust the process and have faith that everything will turn out as it should. It may not work out the way you want it to and never works out the way you plan, but it will all work out as it should. Keep the faith my friends, it all works out as it should!
As always thank you for the continued support and the love!
Monday, June 2, 2014
Relationships
Relationships, we have all had them. I read something on the old interweb that got me thinking. 1. I haven't posted on here in a bit, and 2. I have learned a lot about relationships over the last year.
Things have to mesh in order for people to have a successful relationship. Similar interests, similar morals, goals, ambitions, likes, and dislikes are all important aspects. You need to be able to be yourself around your partner. Not the "I'm trying to impress you self" but the true no makeup no mask self. Being able to express your concerns, problems, and insecurities are all important parts of being in a relationship. Now I am no relationship adviser, I have surely had my share of failed ones. These are just some things I have learned in my life.
You have to be able to feel completely comfortable around your partner. You should be able to laugh, cry, giggle, heck even fart around ur partner (unless you are a girl, girls don't fart!!). Complete comfort is what I am talking about. Not always worrying if your hair is messed up or if there is something stuck in your teeth. They should love you for who you are and you them even with all of our imperfections.
Relationships are like a partnership, we work together to pursue a happy medium in this crazy world. Feelings and emotions should be reciprocated, if one is trying harder than the other it puts a strain on things. Never lose the romance and spontaneity, don't be scared to step out of your comfort zone. I always tell my sponsees this "If you want to expand your comfort zone, you need to step out of it!"
I have been dating this girl for about 3 months and I understand that we are still in the honeymoon phase of things. She has made me realize why all of my other relationships have not worked. They were not a good fit for me or for them. Not saying that they were bad people, just the wrong ones for me.
Life is not all unicorns and rainbows, there are no perfect relationships like we see on the movies. Relationships take work, and just like everything else in life, if you want to be successful you have to put the time in. Getting to know someone, their likes and dislikes, what makes them laugh, what makes them upset, all important. Understanding that your friends and family members opinions of your significant other are valuable assets. They have known you a lot longer than your partner.
I wanted to just write a little bit about what I have learned in this last year. Just because a relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean you failed, it means it wasn't a good fit. I am in a very good place and my girlfriend has shown me after 35 years that it is OK to by myself, for better and for worse! Thank you for that my dear! I hope all are well and excited for the summer, I know I am!
Things have to mesh in order for people to have a successful relationship. Similar interests, similar morals, goals, ambitions, likes, and dislikes are all important aspects. You need to be able to be yourself around your partner. Not the "I'm trying to impress you self" but the true no makeup no mask self. Being able to express your concerns, problems, and insecurities are all important parts of being in a relationship. Now I am no relationship adviser, I have surely had my share of failed ones. These are just some things I have learned in my life.
You have to be able to feel completely comfortable around your partner. You should be able to laugh, cry, giggle, heck even fart around ur partner (unless you are a girl, girls don't fart!!). Complete comfort is what I am talking about. Not always worrying if your hair is messed up or if there is something stuck in your teeth. They should love you for who you are and you them even with all of our imperfections.
Relationships are like a partnership, we work together to pursue a happy medium in this crazy world. Feelings and emotions should be reciprocated, if one is trying harder than the other it puts a strain on things. Never lose the romance and spontaneity, don't be scared to step out of your comfort zone. I always tell my sponsees this "If you want to expand your comfort zone, you need to step out of it!"
I have been dating this girl for about 3 months and I understand that we are still in the honeymoon phase of things. She has made me realize why all of my other relationships have not worked. They were not a good fit for me or for them. Not saying that they were bad people, just the wrong ones for me.
Life is not all unicorns and rainbows, there are no perfect relationships like we see on the movies. Relationships take work, and just like everything else in life, if you want to be successful you have to put the time in. Getting to know someone, their likes and dislikes, what makes them laugh, what makes them upset, all important. Understanding that your friends and family members opinions of your significant other are valuable assets. They have known you a lot longer than your partner.
I wanted to just write a little bit about what I have learned in this last year. Just because a relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean you failed, it means it wasn't a good fit. I am in a very good place and my girlfriend has shown me after 35 years that it is OK to by myself, for better and for worse! Thank you for that my dear! I hope all are well and excited for the summer, I know I am!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)